Several
years ago I was asked to speak at a large men’s conference. Besides speaking
from the main stage I was scheduled to give two breakout sessions. One of the
breakout sessions was on the topic of my book, Becoming Your Spouse’s Better Half. Upon arriving at the venue I
discovered from the participant guide that the event producers had advertised
this workshop as “How to get more sex in your marriage.” Needless to say, about
580 out of the 600 men in attendance showed up at the workshop. The twenty who
didn’t come were the teenage boys who were forced (somewhat reluctantly) to
attend the workshop on sexual purity.
Rather
than discussing just the act of sex, though, I talked mostly about a woman’s
needs and how best to fulfill them. I told them that understanding a woman’s
need for romance would be a key factor in having an enjoyable sex life – that
women are physically stimulated through romance because it meets their need to
feel cherished and loved. To be romanced is to feel special and valuable. To be
romanced is to be pursued. Nearly all women derive some self-esteem or sense of
worth from knowing a man wants and desires her. It makes her feel loved and
attractive. When her need for non-sexual affection is met she is more able to
respond with physical affection.
I explained
that many women are unable to separate sex from the context of their daily
lives and relationships. It seemed strange to some of them that if they’d
recently been arguing with their spouse or the kids were sick, they weren’t
likely find their wives in the mood for sex. While men use sex to heal the
problems of life, women are just the opposite. In fact many women report that
if the house is messy or the dishes dirty, they are unable to relax and
concentrate on having sexual relations.
I
let the men know their wives need to hear them speak words such as “I love you”
and “You’re beautiful” daily. When a woman hears confirmation that her man
loves her and finds her beautiful, she is more likely to be sexually
responsive. She needs to hear these things frequently. Most women are insecure
about their appearance. They mentally magnify any imperfections or flaws they
perceive in their physical appearance. I use the word perceive because what a woman perceives and what others see can be
two different things. It’s a great mystery that even the world’s most beautiful
women can think they are ugly or can have features they are insecure about.
These negative whispers in her ear are strategies by the evil one to strike her
where it hurts most and she is most vulnerable.
As I
discussed the need to actually “talk” to their wives, I could see an almost
pained expression come over the faces of the men. I reassured them by letting
them know that sometimes it was equally important to just listen to a woman
without trying to solve her problems.
Frankly,
the men were pretty stoic during the presentation. I hadn’t presented this
workshop before so I didn’t know what to expect. But surprisingly, many came to
me afterwards, some with tears in their eyes, and expressed genuine thanks for
the epiphanies they had received regarding their wives’ needs. I have since
received a half-dozen emails from men at the conference commenting on how much,
according to their wives, the information I shared has already improved their
marriages.
I
believe the average guy is sincerely confused about his wife’s needs and how to
fulfill them. Women are pretty complex creatures to most men. Every man I know wants to make his wife happy, and most
guys would be willing to do whatever it takes – provided they knew what to do.
Rather than advice from a Lothario’s perspective (which is what most secular books
in our culture promote), we need to teach men (young and old) practical, common
sense advice on how to fulfill their wives’ deepest needs – to create harmony,
joy, and contentment in the lives of their spouses.
And
if they happen to get a more fulfilling sex life because of it – well, so be
it!
To find out more about Rick's books or speaking schedule go to: www.betterdads.net
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