If you are like me you are sick of hearing about this topic. But that begs the question: is bullying
becoming a bigger problem within our culture, or does the media just
sensationalize it because it is the topic du jour? If it is
increasing maybe one reason is the constraints that political correctness
forces upon young males.
Perhaps because our culture has somehow minimized (or even demonized)
the majestic qualities of manhood, many of our boys today seem a bit softer,
perhaps more feminized, than in the past. They seem a bit gun-shy—with a deer
in the headlights look about them. They stay in puberty longer and delay
launching into manhood later than their predecessors. (Why become a man when
being a man is bad?) Others, perhaps
because they have been caused to be ashamed of being a male, overcompensate by
acting out in dramatic caricatures of manhood—they are overly macho, violent,
and sexually promiscuous.
Young men today also have a certain amount of repressed anger. This
may contribute to the seeming increase in bullying in schools, but also in a
more escalated level or degree of violence among young males. This
is possibly caused by not allowing young males to solve their social issues as
they have for thousands of years—on their own. In the past when two young males
disagreed about something, they went to the playground and tussled around until
one or the other acceded. Generally they
both just got too tired to continue and quit. They then shook hands and forgot
about it. In fact, many boys I fought with went on to become my good friends. Today,
however, with adult interference, boys are not allowed to solve their own
problems. They are taught that any kind of aggression or (gasp) violence is
bad. So they are forced to repress those feelings of disrespect, humiliation,
and injustice, which eventually cause those feelings to fester into frustration,
anger, resentment, and bitterness—far more powerful emotions than they were
originally faced with. Eventually those powerful repressed emotions spill over
and explode into greater levels of violence evidenced by the shootings and
stabbings we see of young men across the country.
A big mistake that our culture currently makes with boys is that
we unconsciously combine aggression and violence into one behavior. From a
males’ perspective the two are not the same. Boys and men see aggression as
useful—it is constructive of the
self. Violence is just the opposite—it is destructive.
So when our schools, courts, and social
service workers confuse the two it does a disservice to boys who actually need aggression in many areas of their
life. Our culture just generally assumes now that the more feminized traits
like being quiet, sitting down, being contemplative, and nurturing are the
right way to act, and the more masculine traits like anger, aggression,
confrontation, and one-upmanship are wrong—in every circumstance! That’s not
true and does a great disservice to our boys. There are times when it is appropriate to be angry and confrontational
instead of passive or gentle.
Our schools and culture’s knee-jerk response to male violence (or
even just natural aggression) of establishing a “no tolerance” policy has
probably been more detrimental than helpful to young males. (If there is any
question that our public educational system has been “feminized” we need look
no further than this policy.) One reason is because it’s actually less
frightening for a male to “act out” (physically fight) when he feels threatened
than it is to have the self-control to face the issue head on. So for instance
when a boy gets made fun of on the playground, his sense of honor requires him
to respond. But perhaps because he does not have the maturity or coping skills
to understand that the more mature thing to do would be to confront his
attackers in a non-violent way, he responds emotionally and strikes back. When
we condemn his action or response as being “bad” we send the message that his
honor is not worth fighting for. And yet he has an innate ego response
mechanism that causes him to seek justice when he is disrespected. To not allow
him to respond or to require he get someone else (like an adult female) to
advocate for him tells him he is powerless, disrespected, and dishonorable. Respect
is a key attribute of the core of a male’s psyche. When he does not feel
respected or is allowed to be disrespected without recourse, it rots his pride
and weakens his level of self-respect.
I’m not promoting that we should teach young males that violence
is the way to solve problems. But the myth that “violence never solved anything”
is just that, a myth. Violence solves lots of problems—especially violent
problems. If someone is trying to murder your wife and children, appealing to
their sense of compassion is probably not a good strategy to stop them.
Back in the “old days” when a gym teacher had two boys who had
problems with each other (which is inevitable) he put boxing gloves on them
both and told them to settle their differences in a supervised environment. Afterward,
they were made to shake hands and moved on. Even in the most adversarial
unsupervised playground scuffle seldom was anyone injured beyond a bloody nose.
Males always respect their opponent after doing battle with one another and
frequently become good friends because of the respect they earn for one
another. We did not see the problems then that we face today with high levels
of violence and the killing of our young men.
However, our more feminized world of total tolerance does not
allow a young man to seek justice, which causes him to be resentful and angry. Males
are taught it is bad to fight or even be aggressive over any insult no matter
how egregious the offense. This frustrates their sense of justice.
Again, I’m not promoting violence, bullying, or unchecked
aggression, but this kind of “feminization” of young males not only results in
a more intensified level of aggression, but also produces passive men who often
internalize this anger and frustration, which then manifests itself in
passive-aggressive behavior, which can be just as destructive.
I watched this play out with a group of young males at the local
high school the other day. Their horse-playing was becoming somewhat aggressive
as young men are wont to do. Several teachers observed this and sounded the
alarm that a “fight” was about to happen. This, of course, got all the adults
in a dither, running around the building, sounding the alarm. It was obvious
from the boys’ reaction to this that they enjoyed the control they gained over
the adults who were responding to their “gang fight.” You could virtually see
the gears turning in their heads as they somewhat tongue-in-cheek continued the
escapades until the teachers and administration had worked themselves into a
near panic, at which point the boys quietly disappeared into the sunset with
smirks on their faces.
We do our boys a disservice when we do not allow them a certain
amount of aggression and autonomy in solving their own social problems. Males
are physical beings—they solve problems through action, not by talking about
their feelings. (Frankly, to talk about your feelings after having had your
honor disparaged does not seem like adequate recompense.) Males often bond with
one another through aggression. This means males are biologically wired to be
more physically active, more aggressive, and more likely to need physical
activity to blow off emotional stress.
Want to stop bullying? If
we want to eliminate physical aggression and fights with young males, we need to find find
physical competitions or other direct challenges for them to engage in when
they have issues with each other. In addition, directing them into battles that they can use their natural aggression in a healthy way (fighting against sex trafficking, abuse, or other injustices) gives them a more noble vision of their roles in life. This teaches them to be true warriors who use
their power to lift up others, rather than becoming bullies who abuse those
weaker than they are.
