from the founder of BetterDads.net

My 10 Favorite Manly Actors

2012-01-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

Here’s a list of my favorite “manly” actors from today’s movies—there’s a whole new list from yesteryear. Most of the young actors today don’t have the chops to compete with these guys in the acting or masculinity departments. Interestingly, most of these guys are known conservatives (what a coincidence). I intentionally left off Bobbie DeNiro because he’s too obvious and he’s been in too many bad movies lately. Although with classic movies like Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, The Deer Hunter, Goodfellas, A Bronx Tale, and Godfather part II, he definitely deserves to be on the list.

Robert Duvall: Perhaps one of the best actors of all time—he’s been in a ton of movies. If he is in a movie you can just about bet it will be good. He’s been in some of the greatest movies of all time. Coincidence—I think not.

Movies: To Kill a Mocking Bird, Godfather parts I & II, True Grit, Apocalypse Now, The Natural, Lonesome Dove, The Great Santini, Tender Mercies, Secondhand Lions, and Open Range.

Liam Neeson: Another “manly” guy who’s been in some great movies. An Irishman, he’s also got a great voice as evidenced by being the voice of Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia movies. Besides anyone who can make a great movie like Taken, deserves to be on this list.

Movies: Schindler’s List, Rob Roy, Kingdom of Heaven, Taken, Star Wars Episode II, Batman Begins, Seraphim Falls, and The Grey.

Daniel Day-Lewis: I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a movie where Daniel Day-Lewis didn’t take over the screen. Also an Englishman/Irishman. He’s an intense guy, remaining in “character” during filming. He’s also probably pretty private as you never hear anything about him. Reportedly he’s very selective in the films he makes, often waiting five years between roles.

Movies: My Left Foot, There Will Be Blood, Gangs of New York, Last of the Mohicans, The Crucible, and The Boxer.

Pierce Brosnan: I’m not sure why there are so many Irishmen on my list, but here’s another. Earlier in his career (during his Remington Steele days) I was not that impressed with him, but as he’s gotten older I find myself enjoying the range of acting he provides. He seems to have worked hard at his craft over the years to become better. He hasn’t been in many great movies but I find myself enjoying him in small parts when I see him. He produced and acted in a little known film called, Evelyn, which was a wonderful movie—catch it if you can find it.

Movies: The Thomas Crown Affair, four James Bond movies, Seraphim Falls, The Matador, and Bag of Bones.

Sam Elliott: Best voice in movies today hands down. Not since Robert Mitchum has an actor’s voice been so distinctive. Great in any “manly” role from cowboy to biker to soldier. Classic supporting performances in Mask and We Were Soldiers. Beef—it’s what’s for dinner.

Movies: The Shadow Riders, Mask, the Quick and the Dead, Conagher, Tombstone, The Big Lebowski, and We Were Soldiers.

Tom Selleck: A former male model and beach volleyball player, but still a “manly” guy. Never been afraid to sport facial hair either. Starred in the TV series Magnum P.I. before switching over to the big screen. He still does good TV work starring in the popular Jesse Stone series and Blue Bloods. He’s also supportive of the National Rifle Association (NRA) which makes him a good guy in my eyes.

Movies: The Sacketts, Shadow Riders, Three Men and a Baby, Quigley Down Under, and Crossfire Trail.

Mel Gibson: I know, Mel has fallen out of favor with the Hollywood political correct crowd. He made some big mistakes, but who hasn’t. But he’s also made some of the greatest “manly” movies of all time. Besides he’s a Three Stooges fan. So get your panties out of a bunch and just look at some of his work:

Movies: Mad Max (series), Lethal Weapon (series), Braveheart, Passion of the Christ, The Patriot, The Year of Living Dangerously, The Man Without a Face, We Were Soldiers, Signs, and What Women Want.

Russell Crowe: Russell Crowe is also out of favor with the Hollywood elites. Crowe like Gibson is an Aussie, which may have something to do with his unbreakable spirit which rubs people the wrong way. He’s also in a rock band and owns a rugby team. The Islamist terrorist group al-Qaeda wanted to kidnap him.

Movies: Gladiator, A Beautiful Mind, LA Confidential, Master and Commander, Cinderella Man, The Quick and the Dead, 3:10 to Yuma, and a surprisingly good Robin Hood.

Bruce Willis: Bruce is always good for an enjoyable action flick where you don’t have to think too hard. He’s also not afraid or too vain to show off his bald dome. Became popular in a TV series called Moonlighting in the 80s.

Movies: Pulp Fiction, The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Sin City, Die Hard (series), The Story of Us, The Fifth Element, Grindhouse, 16 Blocks, and Tears of the Sun.

Gene Hackman: Perhaps my favorite all time actor (next to Clint). Any movie Hackman is in is a good film. Like all great actors he has longevity—he’s been consistently good for a long period of time. He’s also a fiction writer with four novels under his belt.

Movies: Bonnie & Clyde, The French Connection, The Conversation, Young Frankenstein, Hoosiers, Unforgiven, Uncommon Valor, and Mississippi Burning.

Clint Eastwood: Okay, here’s the bonus. The granddaddy of all “manly” actors—Clint! He’s a masculine icon for generations of men. From Rawhide to spaghetti westerns to a dirty cop, Clint’s perhaps the most productive producer, director, and actor alive today. He works with the same crew every film and has great loyalty on the set. Besides that he was the mayor of Carmel, CA. If I’m bored—I’m looking for a pizza and a Clint Eastwood movie. Go ahead—make my day.

Movies: Sergio Leone's trilogy of spaghetti westerns (A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More, and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly), Dirty Harry films, Kelly’s Heroes, Play Misty for Me, High Plains Drifter, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Pale Rider, Heartbreak Ridge, Unforgiven, The Bridges of Madison County, Million Dollar Baby, and Gran Torino.

Boundaries Teach Boys Self-Discipline

2011-12-11T13:50:00.000-08:00

This past season, several high-profile college head football and basketball coaches have been vilified and lost their jobs due to the perception that they harshly enforced disciplinary methods upon a player or players in their program. I’m not defending these coaches’ methods as I do not know the situation, but here’s what I do know. Many young men today, especially talented athletes, have been raised without a father or any other form of accountability or boundaries in their life. They have gotten whatever they want their entire lives. They do not understand the value of true leadership or the concept of respect. These young men rebel against any kind of discipline and despise authority figures. Even though they may in truth crave discipline, they have steered their own ship for too long. They have learned to do what they want, when they want, and so any kind of restrictions—whether it is healthy for them or not—are very uncomfortable. They instinctively resist accountability and become self-focused and self-absorbed. Without willingly acceding to the mentorship and authority of other men, young males with this attitude will struggle their entire lives, creating problems in the lives of those who love and depend upon them.

Teaching boys’ self-discipline is difficult and requires effort on your part. Like most things worthwhile in life, it is hard. Boys learn best by what is modeled for them, not spoken to them. Teaching them self-discipline requires that you be disciplined. Constantly indulging your son in his every desire isn’t good for him. It doesn’t mean you have to be harsh, but you do have to say no sometimes--even frequently. For some parents today, pushing their sons to teach them self-discipline almost feels like child abuse. But the truth is that the more you can teach them to have a strong sense of self-discipline, the happier and healthier they will be throughout their entire lives.

Boundaries are a must during the teenage years. Boundaries help instill self-discipline. Without boundaries boys do not know what the rules are and what is expected of them. They may rebel, but remember no matter what they say, the very fact that you thoughtfully and consistently enforce rules of behavior makes them feel loved and valued. They might complain to their friends that you are mean and tough, but they will say it with a sense of pride too. I’ve known many at-risk young men who have told me that they wished their parents had loved them enough to make them follow a set of guidelines designed to keep them safe.

Recognize though that boundaries need to be flexible to grow and change as your son does. Just like your son is constantly growing and changing so too his boundaries should be dynamic. To hold a seventeen-year-old young man to the same boundaries he had as a thirteen-year-old boy would certainly cause rebellion at best and psychological damage at worst. As he shows more maturity and responsibility, his boundaries should be loosened to help him continue to grow in his decision-making and critical thinking skills process. Our goal is to help him become a healthy, functioning adult by the time he is out from under our umbrella. By not allowing him to grow, we are doing him a disservice by ensuring his failure in the world.

That said, all children (even teens) need clear-cut rules, structure, and guidelines in order to develop self-discipline. They thrive under firm supervision and guidance—they need strong boundaries and discipline from adults. They don’t need you to be their friend. They have plenty of friends. They need you to teach them the things they will need to be successful in life. And sometimes that requires courage on our part. Teens (especially strong-willed ones) know how to push buttons—they are developing their critical thinking skills so they like to argue. They are masters at manipulation. They wear you down—it’s part of their battle strategy. That’s one reason it is important for a husband and wife to be on the same team. They must work together to ensure that a child is raised with consistency and with the same agenda. The bane of many divorced families is that Mom and Dad have a differing value system in their respective homes. Kids are confused from week to week as to what is expected of them.

Discipline comes in two forms—internal and external. Internal discipline or self-discipline is what we strive to teach our kids by applying external discipline. External discipline is applied in a variety of forms—allowing them to suffer the consequences of their actions, teaching them the pleasures of delayed gratification, understanding the relationship between hard work and success, and through personal accountability. Kids, who are not subjected to healthy discipline while growing up, tend to live unhappy lives and create chaos in the lives of those around them. When we discipline our kids, we are actually preparing them for much more fulfilling lives.

Think of it this way. Self-discipline is a gift you give your son that will benefit him his entire life. It will benefit your grandchildren and your great-grandchildren as well. Like all things that are important in life, though, learning self-discipline is difficult and requires hard work. One of the most effective ways to teach boys self-discipline is by holding them accountable for their actions and choices. The sooner they learn that every decision they make (or don’t make) has consequences associated with it, the sooner they start making disciplined and healthy choices. This will be extremely important when he becomes a man and his choices have magnified consequences to both him and his family. Want to see this in action? The next time your son wants an item from the store, tell him, “Sure, you can have it if you buy it with your own money.” You’ll quickly see what he places value on when he has to be responsible for purchasing it himself.

Excerpted from Rick's book, That's My Teenage Son" by Revell Publishing. To find out more visit www.betterdads.net.

Expectations Make the Man

2011-10-09T19:01:00.000-07:00

Oftentimes the expectations we have for our children have a tendency to come to fruition. With that in mind it is important we have high expectations for our boys. We should strive to have them aspire to greatness. Why not exhort them to aspire to greatness? The rule of thumb in the business world is that employees are only capable at best of living up to about 75% of the expectations that an employer has for them. Why should we strive to produce mediocre men by having low expectations of our boys?

Unfortunately, our culture not only has low expectations for males, it seems to revel in trying to destroy masculinity. We expect boys to act more like girls. In Unleashing Courageous Faith, Paul Coughlin comments on what our culture does to boys, “Boys are being gunned down by manliness gone bad and by those who do not accept or appreciate it. Our culture tells young boys that traditional masculinity is bad, that men are stupid and deserve to be the object of disdain, contempt, and ridicule. Then we expect them to grow up and exemplify honor, integrity, and valor.” Just watch nearly any television sitcom or commercial if you doubt that statement.

True manhood accepts responsibility for others’ lives by protecting, providing, nurturing, and leading those under its sphere of influence. But how do we teach boys the lessons they need in order to accept that responsibility and develop the mindset necessary to fulfill those roles.

In many cultures throughout history manhood was something that was earned through overcoming difficult challenges or dangerous initiations. It involved initiations, rituals, and ceremonies generally supervised by older males. Frequently the instructions passed along during these rites of passage contained life lessons that taught boys what it meant to fulfill the roles and responsibilities of manhood.

Teaching young men to have empathy and compassion for others is very important in the development of a healthy man. It has been my experience from raising two teenagers and working with many others that they are often idealistic about the world and troubled by the injustices that abound within it. Young men should be indignant and disturbed by things like poverty, victimization, and exploitation of those who cannot defend themselves. That righteous outrage means he has heart. It is much better than the passive, apathetic, and self-focused attitude many young (and older) men posses today. Instead our culture tells them that self-gratification and self-indulgence are the only goals worthy to strive for.

So how do boys learn to have passion, courage, and empathy? By watching the examples of their fathers and other older males in their lives.

Question: What expectations do you have for your son that will teach him to be a man of integrity?

Passing the Mantle of Manhood

2011-09-26T11:03:00.000-07:00

Young men growing up without mentors are just boys seeking their identity. Since our culture does not have intentional rites of passage to teach and help guide a young man from boyhood into manhood, they are often left to rely upon themselves to try and figure out how to become a man. Some boys consider getting drunk for the first time the sign of crossing the threshold into manhood. Others think losing their virginity is surely a sign of being a man. At its extreme gangs often require initiation ceremonies of new members that include assault and battery, theft, rape, or even murder.

In his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldredge calls boys who have never been initiated and mentored into manhood “partial” men. They are boys walking around in men’s bodies, sometimes even fulfilling their roles with jobs and families. For these men the passing on of masculinity was never completed (if started at all). These boys were never taken through the process of masculine initiation. It’s why many men today are what Eldredge calls Unfinished Men.

In his classic book, Raising a Modern-Day Knight, Robert Lewis uses the model of initiating boys into manhood through the medieval custom of knighthood. In those times boys were trained and equipped with a masculine vision, a code of conduct, and an objective to live life. First as a page, then a squire, and finally a knight they passed through stages that trained them and helped instill a chivalric code of honor. At each of these stages they were given ceremonies that celebrated their achievement and marked their progress toward manhood. By the time they were ready to become knights they had a clear definition of a man’s duties and responsibilities and a code of conduct to live his life by. In other words they knew what a man was because they had been trained and tutored by honorable men for many years.

Ceremonies or rites of passage are important for all children but especially for boys. Our children develop their faith not only from us but from others as well. Remember, someone is going to influence your children—it had better be you or at least those who have the same value system as you do.

While my son was growing up I held several personal ceremonies with my son at various stages such as at age 12 when I took him to dinner, challenged him to purity, and talked about the challenges he was undertaking as he entered adolescence.

But when my son graduated from high school I was determined to have a ceremony he would remember to launch him into the world. Several months beforehand, I contacted six godly men and asked them to pray about what God would have them share with a young man just starting out life. Shortly after his graduation I rented a room in the back of a restaurant and hosted a dinner with my son and the six men. Each man took turns in front of the others telling my son the mistakes they had made, their regrets, and the things they wish they could do over. They shared from their heart the joys and sorrows of being a man, a father, and a husband. The men were powerfully vulnerable as they shared from the depths of their souls. I then got up and spoke to my son of the dreams I had for his life and shared advice about life. I gave him my blessing as a father to a son and launched him into the world.

I videotaped the dinner for my son so he can watch it over and over. At the time, the event may have impacted the other men more than my son, but as he gets older this advice will be invaluable. I intend to have a similar ceremony before he gets married—gather a group of men who have been successfully married a long time to pass along their special insights on what it takes to be a husband and love a woman.

Our boys are blessed for a lifetime when we design and prepare ceremonies to mark their journey into manhood. These ceremonies tell them they are progressing along a road with the destination of manhood. They are mileposts that boys can track their progress and understand what is expected of them on the next portion of their journey. It eliminates confusion and the need to “prove” he’s a man—to himself and to others.

This post is part of the Rite of Passage Blog Tour. You can read more entries by other authors at http://riteofpassageblogtour.weebly.com/. Additionally, for more ideas on how to hold a ceremony for your son, check out Jim McBride’s new book, Rite of Passage: a Father’s Blessing, by Moody Publishers, on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Rite-Passage-Blessing-Jim-McBride/dp/0802458807/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316022959&sr=8-1.

Gleaned from Rick’s book, That’s My Teenage Son, by Revell Publishing, 2011. To find out more about Rick’s books or his speaking schedule please go to www.betterdads.net.

Can Marriage Today Still Last a Lifetime?

2011-08-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

Marriage today seems less binding than a cell phone contract. The average first marriage in this country lasts seven years. The average second marriage lasts five. As if the challenges of a first marriage weren’t tough enough, anyone who has been in a blended family will tell you about the myriad of additional trials this scenario presents; two sets of kids, two separate histories, two completely different life philosophies, parenting styles, and sets of baggage. And when two sets of careers and monies are mixed in along with the obligatory pre-nuptial agreements, it’s almost like admitting that the marriage is doomed to fail anyway.
Because of the legacy they’ve observed from their parent’s generation, most young people today are fairly pessimistic about the chances of a marriage lasting a life time. When you talk to them about marriage you can see that they yearn for the kind of intimacy possible only through a long lasting relationship, but they have little hope of having one themselves. Couples may spend hundreds of hours and tens of thousands of dollars on the actual wedding day, but no energy, resources, or forethought whatsoever toward the marriage that follows.

Many people quickly discover that being married and staying in love are just plain hard work—too hard. Combine that intense struggle with our society’s instant gratification mantra, the court’s “no fault” divorce laws, and a cultural legacy of relative truth, and you have a recipe for divorce. Our Western culture does not like to suffer and so we shy away from anything that is uncomfortable or difficult. When marriage is tough, many people just think its broken and go look for another mate who won’t be so much work. Unfortunately, the problem is generally with us and so follows us from relationship to relationship.

Ideally, a Christian marriage begins with both parties committed to loving God and each other. But later, after the “buzz” of love begins to fizzle, communication tails off, and spouses can start taking each other for granted; losing empathy, respect, and love for one another. Life is tough and instead of working as a team they begin fighting with each other in an attempt to get their individual needs met. We scream at and accuse our mates and then expect them to want to satisfy our needs. Each spouse soon loses the desire to meet the others’ needs and each loses sight of the fact that love is an action not an emotion. That is why the very action of meeting the other’s needs (acting loving) can lead to feeling the emotion of love. Without that action it is natural to slide into a state of need and self-indulgent gratification.

Marriage can still last a lifetime. My wife and I recently celebrated our 30th anniversary together. We could have gotten very good odds against our marriage succeeding—no one thought we would last. One of the things we’ve found has helped our marriage immensely is every evening we try to sit down and pray together before reading a portion of a book. Generally I read out loud to her while she knits or does some other repetitive task. Other times she reads aloud while I am fixing something that doesn’t require much concentration. This activity has allowed us to grow together and it helps us spend quality time together each day. It also creates great intimacy between us and prompts us to have quality discussions about important topics that we might never have talked about. However, this takes a significant amount of effort and commitment on the part of both spouses. It is very easy to take a day off and then never get back into it again. But I have noticed that when we as a couple are consistently praying and reading together, our relationship and marriage are at peak performance.

Your marriage relationship is a living, dynamic entity. It needs continuous nurturing, refining, changing, and fine tuning. Those that take it for granted and do not work at it are doomed to fail.

Gleaned from Rick’s book, Becoming Your Spouse’s Better Half, by Revell Publishing, 2010. To find out more about our resources please go to www.betterdads.net.

How to Love a Woman

2011-08-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

Fathers are instrumental in modeling to their sons how a man is supposed to love a woman. This is not something that comes naturally to most males. Merely watch the difference in how a young man who grew up with no healthy male role models treats his wife (or more often live-in lover) versus one who grew up with a father that loved his mother. To give oneself sacrificially for the sake of another is not a natural male trait. In fact, the opposite might even generally be true. I know women look hard to find and hang on to admirable traits in all their men, especially their sons, but to be loving, kind, gentle, and compassionate in non-feminized males is unusual.

Loving a woman is a modeled behavior for a male. Learning to lead his family in a healthy manner is another modeled behavior that boys seldom learn from any other source as well. The respect that a father gives a boy’s mother is the level of respect that he will think all women deserve. Appreciating the value that a woman brings to a relationship and the family is another gift that a father gives to his son. Learning to cherish and love a woman in the ways that she needs and not the ways that he feels more comfortable with is a lesson that boys cannot get from any other venue than from watching his father every day. Recognizing her more tender heart and the devastation that his words can have on a woman are taught to a boy by his father. And perhaps the greatest lesson he passes along is the ability to admit he is wrong, apologize, and ask for forgiveness.

Without the modeled behavior from a father boys are left to try and navigate through life and all of the difficult circumstances that he will be faced with. Boys without fathers are at a big disadvantage in every area of life, especially relationships. He’ll never learn how to love and treat a woman without your guidance. Remember, he’s watching you every moment of the day to see how a man thinks, acts, and faces life’s problems.

How Does a Writer Market Their Books?

2011-07-21T20:54:00.000-07:00

How Does a Writer Market Their Book? That is the question everyone is asking. It seems as though in order to be successful today, a writer has to be part public relations specialist, part marketing guru, and part social network dweeb in order to keep up with changes in the industry. With all that, where does a writer find time to do what we all have a passion for—actually write?

In today’s market a writer is forced to promote themselves and their books in order to succeed and thus get another contract to write more books. Publishers want people (good writers or not) who have larger and more varied platforms from which to sell their books. That’s why even marginally talented pastors from big churches seem to get published with ease. Personally, I find self-promotion to be very uncomfortable. Unless you’re a narcissist it is often difficult to self-promote and still maintain your integrity (and not be annoying). I’d gladly do my craft and ministry for free if I could figure out how to pay the bills. But, our culture today values image over substance and notoriety over content. I know many agents and editors say that good writing is the key to getting published, and maybe so. But, good writing does not appear to successfully sell books. At least I have read many wonderfully written books that languished in obscurity while other books that weren’t worth the paper they were written on have sold millions of copies.

So here are some strategies that I have used (with varying degrees of success) to promote my ministry and writing. Like nearly all small businesses (which you are as a writer) I am underfunded and overworked. My challenge is to efficiently find ways to utilize the little amount of time I have effectively and economically. There are a plethora of great ideas I would like to and should do if I only had the time, money, and resources available (for instance I would love to do a daily or weekly radio program).

When I signed my first book contract, I was a completely unknown, naïve, and inexperienced writer. Literally, God put me in that circumstance. One thing I was smart enough to vow was that I would do absolutely everything in my power to develop positive relationships with everyone associated with the publishing of my book. I treated everyone I interacted with the respect and dignity that I would want to be treated—from editors, to graphic designers, to sales and marketing personnel. I truly believe that because the people at my publisher enjoy working with me that perhaps they give just a little extra for my cause than they might for other, less agreeable authors.

Perhaps the biggest (and most obvious) key to selling books is garnering exposure for the book and the author personally. Regardless of what one thinks of Rob Bell’s new book, it was a stroke of genius to get everyone’s panties in a bunch about its “controversial” content and thus garner millions of dollars of free publicity. Another way of getting exposure for a writer is to speak in front of audiences (the bigger the better—although any is better than none). This develops intimacy with your audience and gives you instant credibility (provided you are a half-way decent speaker). At conferences I sell a ton of books after speaking, and very few before I speak. Speaking and selling books seems to have a symbiotic relationship. The more I speak the more books I sell, and the more books I sell the more speaking engagements I get. Unfortunately, publishers do not seem to recognize this or (with very few exceptions) are at least reluctant to help their authors get speaking engagements (even though they know this relationship exists).

Everyone tells me that social media is the newest and best way to get exposure, and they are probably right. For someone of my age and gender though I am a bit challenged with social media. While I do have a significant Facebook presence, as a male I probably am not very good at developing the “chatty” kinds of relationships that seem to breed success through this venue. I do see many female writers however, who utilize this application very successfully (yes that probably sounds sexist—but true nonetheless). Of more importance from my perspective is developing actual relationships with my readers. Since I honestly care about my readers I go out of my way to make their experience a “personal” one any way I can. For instance, I always answer all my emails personally, and have even been known to speak with readers on the phone from time to time. That relationship then inspires them to want to help promote my books to their friends and family.

Also, I’m not sure I “get” Twitter. It seems like a monumental waste of time to me. I find it hard to believe that people as busy as Rick Warren or Mark Driscoll have the time to send out dozens of “twits” every day like I get from them. They must have assistants doing this for them. Either that or I am totally misusing my time. And I don’t often have the time to create a consistent, compelling blog to send out frequently (of which Rachelle Gardner’s and Michael Hyatt’s are two of the best). All that to say, I often pray for a young, techno-savvy administrative assistant to (inexpensively) come along and help drag me kicking and screaming into the blogasphere. I recently bit the bullet and hired a social networking consultant and she paid for herself almost instantly.

I’ve found that video blogs work pretty well to attract consumers’ attention, as do book trailers. They generate a more personal connection with the audience than just words on a computer screen. Again though, as a one-man company, it requires a lot of time, money, and energy to create, edit, and post even simple videos on sites like God Tube, You Tube, and Vimeo (and however many new ones have cropped up since I wrote this). And once posted how do you get people to actually watch them?

One area that seems to have worked well for me, even though it is somewhat difficult to track, is performing large numbers of radio and TV interviews. I worked very hard to develop a good radio presence and to have an interesting and compelling story when I appear on radio shows. This means I get asked back frequently. This exposure, combined with all the other areas mentioned above, provides multiple opportunities and venues for people to be exposed to my name, books, and message.

All that to say writing the book is the easy part. Marketing and selling your book is an entirely different and much more difficult endeavor. I think the key is to understand your strengths and spend your time and resources in those areas. For me personally, speaking to live audiences, doing radio and TV interviews, writing articles for magazines and blogs, and utilizing video clips as often as possible seems to work best. For others that may mean effectively using social networking, blogging, and e-book giveaways. Either way it’s imperative to develop a strong platform if you expect to get published (and re-published) in today’s competitive environment.

10 Tips for Better Dads

2011-06-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

Niels Bohr said, “An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” If that quotation is true, I must be getting pretty close to being an expert father by now. Hopefully though, I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made. The mark of a good leader and a good father is just that—the ability to learn from mistakes. The man who doesn’t is doomed to repeat them over and over again. The following areas are some tips about fathering that I’ve discovered over the years. I list these not because I’ve perfected these areas, but because I finally recognize them for how important they really are.

Tip #1 – Emphasize Strengths not Weaknesses
As a father I have a tendency to focus on the things my children do wrong instead of the things they do right. But as a coach I tell my players to focus on their strengths not their weaknesses. Help find your son's and daughter’s strengths--their gifts from God. Focus on those instead of being overly critical of their weaknesses.

Tip #2 – Give Plenty of Physical Affection
As men we are raised to be uncomfortable with too much affection from another male—especially the physical kind. It’s interesting that we compensate for that by knocking each other all around the football field, wrestling mat, or boxing ring. For some reason we think it’s okay to slap another man on the butt during the heat of athletic competition, but we’re uncomfortable hugging one another in greeting. As physical as the male animal is, you’d think we would be more comfortable expressing physical affection. But I think it must be a social taboo ingrained into our unconsciousness at an early age. Hug and kiss your kids—even your son. Give them plenty of physical love. Even as they get older, continue to show them physical affection.

Tip #3 – Give Them Your Time
It’s almost a cliché to quote the song by Harry Chapin, “Cats in the Cradle,” to illustrate the consequences of a father being too absorbed in his work when his son is young. The reality is that most of us men are given the vision that in order to be a success in life we must be successful in our work—that our career is more important than anything else in life. Oh, we give lip service to the importance of our families, but our actions often speak louder than our words. Time is the most valuable, and the most limited, resource we have to give to our children. Your kids need your time more than they need your money—just ask any fatherless child.

Tip # 4 – Heart over Performance
Too often, I have a tendency to judge my children's efforts by their performance. The reality is that an individual can do his personal best in an area in which he is not gifted, and still fall short of average performance. Likewise, a person can be gifted and do well in an area while applying very little effort. Which scenario should they be applauded most for?

Tip # 5 - Have Fun
It's so easy to get caught up in the complexities and stresses of everyday life. This is especially true for those who take responsibilities seriously. But part of a dad's charm is his ability to have fun. Let yourself go and remember the all the goofy things that make life worth living. Have fun with your children while they’re still little. Take some time to just goof-off. There will be plenty of time to be serious and somber. One of the things kids appreciate most about their fathers is his sense of humor. When Dad has life under control, he values the humorous side of life and shows it to his kids.

Tip # 6 – Don’t Fear Failure
I spent much of my life avoiding anything I wasn’t perfect at because I was afraid to fail. This has caused me to have a number of regrets. The regrets I have in life are mostly of things I didn't do--not what I did do. Oh, I regret some things I've done over the years (I've done many things I'm not proud of), but I don’t regret my sins of commission like I do my sins of omission. Missed opportunities, an apathetic attitude, and not seeking significance were all choices I made which I regret deeply. I was raised to believe that failure was the worst thing of all. But it's not. I've come to understand that true failure is never reaching out to attempt something great, to try and reach your full potential. You only fail when you don’t try. I regret all the times I was impatient with my children and never gave them the attention they deserved. I’ve told my son many times that I needed him to know that whatever mistakes I made as a dad--and I made many--those mistakes were my problem; they were never anything to do with him. He deserved more love and better fathering than I was capable of giving him.

Tip # 7 – Understand Your Power
Several years ago, during a rare bout of brutal self-honesty, I discovered that I treated my employees better than I did my wife and children. I heard myself saying things to my family I would never say to my employees. If another man had made those kinds of statements to my wife or kids, I would have physically confronted him. Why did I feel free to verbally wound those I treasure more than anything else in the world with words that I would never dream of saying to a stranger? God has given us men great power that can be used for good or evil. Just look around at some of the problems men have created in other peoples’ lives. Then look at some of the great things men have accomplished to benefit others. It’s an awesome power. But with that comes the need to understand it and use it responsibly. Former U.N. Secretary General Dag Hammerskjöld said, “Only he deserves power who every day justifies it.”

Tip # 8 – Develop Friendships
Most men in our country have acquaintances, but no real friends. The pressures and time constraints of work and supporting a family often take away the opportunity to build masculine relationships. But to be the best father possible, you need other men in your life to hold you accountable and to lift you up during difficult times. Another man’s experiences are invaluable when we try to navigate some of the uncharted waters of fathering.
Isolation is death to a man’s character. Perhaps that’s why our culture, seemingly bent on the destruction of positive masculinity, continues to promote the rugged individualist as the model for men to look up to. The Marlboro Man, Dirty Harry, John Wayne, and James Bond—our celluloid heroes—never needed any help from other men. They just sucked it up and overcame whatever problems popped up. Then they rode off into the sunset by themselves.
But real men need other men. We need the accountability, comradeship, support, and yes, gasp, help, that other men can provide.

Tip #9 – Be Consistent
Being consistent is one of the strongest traits a man can bring to fathering. Kids rely on you to be consistent in your responses no matter the circumstances. They rely on you being dependable, a rock in the face of adversity. When life throws a curve ball, they need Dad to be there to tell them it’s okay. Think about how scared you would be if the leader you were following--maybe someone you thought was strong or even invincible--were to suddenly become very frightened or to exhibit erratic, out-of-control behavior during a stressful situation. Would you want to follow that person again? I wouldn’t. Your emotional stability, especially in stressful situations, provides your kids with the security they need in order to grow into a healthy man or woman. You can’t keep stressful situations from happening, but you can control how you react to them. Teach your kids that a man keeps his head while others around him lose theirs.

Tip #10 – Overcome Complacency & Passivity
In the movie Schindler’s List, Liam Neeson stars as Oskar Schindler, a German industrialist during World War II. In an effort to capitalize on the war he acquired a factory in Poland which he ran with the cheapest labor around—Jewish labor.
At first he seemed like every other greedy German industrialist, driven by profit and unmoved by the means of his profiteering. But somewhere along the line, something changed. He succeeded in his quest for riches, but by the end of the war he had spent everything he made on keeping 1,100 Jewish men and women alive. He literally bought their lives by having them work in his factory.
In a powerful scene at the end of the movie, with Allied forces bearing down, Schindler said goodbye to the many Jewish factory workers he had saved. The workers had previously removed some of their gold-filled teeth to create a ring for Schindler. Inside the ring they engraved an old Hebrew proverb, “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.”
As they gave him the ring in gratitude, Schindler fell to his knees and began sobbing in remorse. He deeply regretted that he had not done more to save additional lives. Even when the workers tried to console him that he had done so much more than anyone else, he cried out in agony over regret at his complacency. “I could have got more out. If I’d just…I didn’t do enough,” he sobbed. “I could have gotten one more person—and I didn’t…I didn’t!”
Shindler, while certainly not as complacent as many of us, realized too late that he could have done so much more. He regretted it dearly. And while others did not blame him, he knew in his heart that he could have done more.
When my time comes I do not want to be a man on my knees before God with my face in my hands sobbing with regret over the fact that I did not use the gifts that God gave me to make a difference in other people’s lives—especially my own children’s. I don’t want those regrets and I don’t want you to have those regrets either. Use the power God has given you to make a difference in the world—before it’s too late. Your kids will be proud of you for it!

Teaching Boys Criticial Thinking Skills

2011-03-06T20:07:00.000-08:00

Perhaps one of the most important things a person can develop is the ability to think through an issue and discern the important aspects of that issue while not be distracted by the parts that are of no consequence. Your son needs to learn to distinguish between fact and opinion. He needs to understand how to compare and contrast information. Too often important issues are clouded by emotions or hyperbole. In addition, with today’s technology it is easy to establish something on the internet that quickly becomes assumed as fact. As an example, books, magazines, or newspapers printing “facts” that are not backed up by well rounded research and cited are really just printing their opinion. Television news programs are notorious for this today.

If you want your son to be someone who is not easily swayed by political agendas, misinformation, or opinions, he needs to develop good critical thinking skills.
How do you help a boy develop critical thinking skills which are crucial for him to learn in order to develop into a good problem solver? First, as difficult as it may be, allow your son to argue or debate issues that do not relate to emergency circumstances. He is developing the process to understand how to look at an issue critically from different sides. You’ll notice that sometimes he may even switch his opinion in the middle of an argument if you agree with him and argue the other side. Also, while it may be annoying, allow him to ask a lot of questions. That shows he has an active mind and is searching for information and knowledge (or else he’s just being a pain).

Encourage him to think logically. Use concrete examples whenever possible that lead to logical conclusions. For instance someone may be able to effectively argue against the validity of gravity but they will still fall on their head if they jump off a building. Logic takes the emotion out of an argument. Also, allow him to think through an issue or problem—do not rush in and give him the answer right away. It takes the male brain longer to process information than it does the female brain.

Think out loud in front of him—that way he can see and hear how you puzzle through the process of solving a problem. Finally, challenge him to always look at both sides of an issue. Encourage him to research an issue from a variety of reputable sources—both pro and con. If you only get one opinion of a subject you cannot truly understand it. One of the great lessons I have learned in life is that you cannot understand another’s pain if you have not walked in their shoes. This will serve him well later in life when he has a wife and children and issues are seldom simply black and white but are complicated shades of gray.

Article gleaned from That's My Teeange Son: How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Good Men, by Rick Johnson, Revell Publishing, 2011

The Psychology of Male Anger

2011-02-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

One emotion that most males are familiar with is anger. Anger produces a physiological arousal in males. It creates a state of readiness and heightened awareness. It creates energy that can be directed outward in the form of protection or even as a weapon. Anger causes a fight or flight response designed to protect us. Anger is frequently a powerful tool for boys and men to use to cover our inadequacies. Oftentimes anger in males is a secondary emotion used to cover underlying emotions such as fear, hurt, or frustration. You’ll notice that nearly all males will react with anger when they become overly frustrated or are hurt emotionally.

The surge of adrenaline and associated arousal can be addicting to some males. Young males need to be taught how to deal with and control their anger. In order to do that, they must learn to own their anger and identify the source of that anger. Then they can learn to determine how to choose to respond to their anger.

Males are not very adept at understanding their emotions nor very comfortable dealing with them. Emotions are powerful and often uncontrollable. That’s why many males keep such a tight lid on their emotions--once released they are difficult to predict or control and often result in a situation ending in vulnerability. The one emotion however that they are relatively comfortable with is that of anger. Anger for many men is an old friend; one they call upon in a variety of circumstances. Like all powerful emotions it can be used destructively or for good. For instance anger can be terribly destructive in relationships. After all anger is only one letter away from being danger. All we need do is look at the devastation caused to women and children through a man’s uncontrolled wrath and anger. Anger can lead to emotional, psychological, and even physical abuse.

On the other hand anger can be channeled into productive pathways. Anger can be used to motivate a man to achieve more than he might otherwise be able to accomplish. It can be used as a mechanism to encourage perseverance under duress or in grueling circumstances. Many a boy accomplished some difficult task all because he got angry when someone told him he couldn’t succeed. When teased, many boys use that anger to motivate themselves to “prove” their offenders wrong. One method in coaching is to get young men angry in order to motivate them to perform beyond their self-imposed limitations. In fact, many men propel themselves with anger and grit to succeed in life because a father-figure constantly told them they wouldn’t amount to anything. Warriors often used anger towards their enemies as motivation to succeed in battle or even a school yard fight.

Regardless of how it is used anger is the emotion most familiar to males. Anger is often a secondary emotion used by males to cover or mask other emotions. For instance, certain emotions such as fear, anxiety, vulnerability, or distress often produce a feeling of humiliation in males. Humiliation is considered a weakness by males. Remember, for most males to show weakness is to be vulnerable and open to criticism. To be vulnerable is an invitation to be attacked. But anger is a defense against attack and may even be a weapon to attack others. Very angry men and boys are seldom messed with, even by bullies.

Rather than feel humiliated by these “unmanly” emotions, many males instinctively and automatically use anger to cover those feelings. Even pain (physical or psychological) can be covered by anger. Notice how most males react when they hit their thumb with a hammer. They’d rather get mad than cry. Most men also get angry rather than depressed or hysterical when faced with an emotional crisis in a relationship. Again, this is a protective mechanism for their fragile egos; egos that are covering secretly ingrained feelings of inadequacy and incompetence.

Sometimes anger is even used consciously. I was raised in an alcoholic and abusive home. I can distinctly remember at about the age of 12 when I first discovered that if I just got angry I didn’t have to feel that humiliating emotion of being afraid. In typical naive boyhood fashion I told myself, “This is great. I’ll never be scared again for the rest of my life!” However, this was foolish as I spent a significant portion of my adult life being angry. Angry because I was really afraid because I had never had a positive male role model show me how a man lives his life and faces his problems in a healthy manner.

Young men who are not taught how a man acts, what his roles in life are and how to fulfill them adequately and competently are very often angry. They are angry at life and at the world. They are afraid. They take this anger out on others, hoping to hurt them before they themselves are hurt; even if that hurt is just humiliation from their ineptness.

Excerpted from, Rick Johnson, That’s My Teenage Son: How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Good Men, by Revell, 2011

Political Correctness versus Creativity

2011-01-29T13:48:00.000-08:00

Does political correctness stifle creativity and courage? A generation of youth has now been raised under the oppressive boot of political correctness. With few exceptions, nearly all movies made today are either sequels of existing hit movies, remakes of previously made movies, or adaptations of comic books, video games, TV shows, or old skits from Saturday Night Live. Reliance on computer graphics often supersedes script writing, plot development and acting ability in films. Television now relies on reproducing older shows with minor changes or “reality” TV which does not require any forethought or creativeness. Even the music industry stoops to re-mixes of past hit songs for a significant portion of its volume and revenue. Where is the uniqueness and creativity? Perhaps political correctness and reliance on technology has made us intellectually lazy and dull as a nation—or just plain afraid.

Some claim political correctness makes us more sensitive of other beliefs while others state it produces a society of blamers and small-minded, self-righteous bigots. For whatever other traits it may have, the truth is political correctness keeps people from thinking outside the box and expressing themselves for fear of offending anyone or anything. Creativity by its very nature is destined to offend at least some people. Being creative involves risk, change, new ideas, and new ways of looking at things—all of which frequently frighten people or make them uncomfortable. Today’s version of creativity only targets seeing how far it can push the boundaries of decency and good taste. That kind of creativity does not appear to offend the sensibilities of the politically correct elite and so is not subject to their attack.

If we want creative solutions to the world’s problems, perhaps it’s time we began encouraging our young people to develop critical thinking skills instead of worrying about being as inoffensive as possible.

Teaching Boys Discipline

2011-01-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

This past season, several high profile college head football and basketball coaches have been vilified and lost their jobs due to the perception that they harshly enforced disciplinary methods upon a player or players in their program. I’m not defending these coaches' methods as I do not know the situation, but here’s what I do know. Many young men today, especially talented athletes, have been raised without a father or any other accountability or boundaries in their life. They have gotten whatever they want their entire lives. They do not understand the value of true leadership or the concept of respect. These young men rebel against any kind of discipline and despise authority figures. Even though they may in truth crave discipline, they have steered their own ship for too long. They have learned to do what they want when they want, and so any kind of restrictions—whether it is healthy for them or not—are very uncomfortable. They instinctively resist accountability and become self-focused and self-absorbed. Without willingly acceding to the mentorship and authority of other men, young males with this attitude will struggle their entire lives, creating problems in the lives of those who love and depend upon them.

Teaching boys’ self-discipline is difficult and requires effort on your part. Like most things worthwhile in life it is hard. Boys learn best by what is modeled for them not spoken to them. Teaching them self-discipline requires that you be disciplined. For some moms with their nurturing nature, this can present difficulties. Constantly indulging your son in his every desire isn’t good for him. It doesn’t mean you have to be harsh or mean, but you do have to say "no" sometimes, even frequently. For moms who feel guilty about the circumstances in which they are raising their sons, this can be difficult. For some parents today pushing their sons to teach them self-discipline almost feels like child abuse. But the truth is that the more you can teach them to have a strong sense of self-discipline the happier and healthier they will be throughout their entire lives.

What is the best way you've found to teach your son self-discipline?

Excerpted from, That's My Teenage Son: How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Good Men, Revell Publishing, 2011.

Angry Young Men

2011-01-25T14:05:00.000-08:00

Ever notice we have a lot of angry young men running around today? One of the reasons is that our boys today have a certain amount of repressed anger. It results in more bullying in school, but also in a more escalated level of violence. This is caused by not allowing young males to solve their social issues as they have for thousands of years—on their own. In the past when two young males disagreed about something, they went on the playground and tussled around until one or the other acceded—generally they both just got too tired to continue and quit. They then shook hands and forgot about it. In fact many boys I fought with we went on to be good friends. Today however, with adult (feminine) interference, boys are not allowed to solve their own problems. They are taught that any kind of aggression or (gasp) violence is bad. So they are forced to repress those feelings which eventually cause them to fester into frustration, anger, resentment, and bitterness--far more powerful feelings than they were originally faced with. Eventually those powerful repressed emotions spill over and explode into greater levels of violence evidenced by the shootings and stabbings we see of young men across the country.

I’m not promoting that we should teach young males that violence is the way to solve problems. But in the “old days” when a gym teacher had two boys who had problems with each other he put boxing gloves on them both and told them to settle their differences. Afterwards they were made to shake hands and forget about it. Even in the most adversarial unsupervised playground scuffle seldom was anyone injured beyond a bloody nose. Males always respect their opponent after doing battle with one another and frequently become good friends because of the respect they earn for one another. We did not see the problems then that we face today with high levels of violence and killing of our young men.

Our more feminized world of total tolerance does not allow a young man to seek justice which causes him to be resentful and angry. Males are taught it is bad to fight or even be aggressive over any insult no matter how egregious the offense.
Again, I’m not promoting violence, bullying, or unchecked aggression, but this kind of feminization of young males not only results in a more intensified level of aggression, but also produces passive men who often internalize this anger and frustration which then manifests itself in destructive passive-aggressive behavior.

Why do you think young men are angry today?

3 Reasons Why the Cowboys won’t be in the Super Bowl

2010-09-28T18:17:00.000-07:00

1) Wade Phillips: Phillips has a pretty good lifetime coaching record, but his teams do not do well in the playoffs. During six trips to the play-offs, his teams have only won one game. In addition, the Cowboys have more talent than any team in the league yet consistently underachieve. That my friend spells bad coaching.

2) Tony Romo: As much talent as he appears to possess, I have come to the conclusion that Romo is not a leader. Romo appears to be too lackadaisical and undisciplined to lead a team on a consistent basis. He smiles and laughs after losses. He goes on vacation with famous chippies before big games. I’ve never seen him show any passion or fire. Romo wants to live the life of a star without first producing the results. Statistics are great but winning big games matters.

3) Jerry Jones: The biggest reason the Cowboys won’t win the Super Bowl is Jerry Jones. Jones may be a smart businessman but he’s not a smart football man. He’d rather have a coach that kisses his behind than one who can control and motivate his talented team of superstars. The Cowboys used to stand for duty, honor, and tradition under men like Laundry, Brandt, and Schramm. Now they epitomize everything that’s wrong with America; image over substance.

Talking to Boys--Simple is Better

2010-08-16T15:47:00.000-07:00

Every year, our Better Dads ministry hosts an annual Single Mom’s Family Camp. We bring about 25 single mothers and their children to a free, three-day camp. During the camp our male volunteers play with the children during the day while myself and other speakers provide education, insight, and spiritual development during classes for the moms.

At our most recent single mom’s family camp, we had many more teenage boys attend than was usual in past years. One of our male mentor volunteers, Jon, was in charge of the teen boys group and related on a deep level with them. In fact, by the time camp was over they were hanging on every word he spoke, seeking to gain wisdom from a man on how to be a man. They listened enamored as he told them secrets from a lifetime of experience as a man. He taught them how to use a pocketknife, catch and clean a fish, and build a birdhouse with their own two hands.

Jon’s wife, Susan, also helped at camp. Susan (who with Jon has raised three lovely daughters) told a story of how the camp had impacted her. She told about seeing Jon at the river with the group of teen boys. As they started to leave, two of the teen boys said they did not want to go and weren’t leaving. Jon slowly drawled, “Well, that’s your choice. But it is against the rules of the camp for you to be here by yourself. If you choose to stay you and your mom will probably have to leave.”
With that Jon turned and calmly started walking up the trail away from the river with the rest of the group. The boys looked at one another, shrugged, and followed him up the trail.

Susan said what was stunning to her was that if a woman (a mom) had been in Jon’s situation she would have spent 20 minutes discussing the boys’ feelings as to why he didn’t want to leave and still would have never resolved the issue. She was shocked that Jon’s communication method worked so well with the boys.

Jon was so successful because he did two very important things when communicating with teenage boys. He kept his sentences short and to the point. And he gave them options. Teen boys need to feel like they have decision-making capabilities and some control over their life. If you back them in a corner with no choices they will likely rebel. If Jon had ordered them to leave they might have challenged him just to see what would happen. They might have eventually complied but would have been angry and resentful for the rest of the camp. Giving them the option to choose allowed them to feel like an adult and in control of their circumstances.

Now it is important to understand that the choices we give teenagers are all choices we want to happen. I noticed many times when my kids were teenagers that if I just gave them two or three choices in a situation, even if they were choices that favored my desired outcome, they were much more willing to acquiesce and settle for a solution that was positive. You’ll notice one of Jon’s choices for them was not to stay at the river with no consequences. He gave them choices which guaranteed to lead to a solution that he wanted to end up with, while still allowing them the final say.

Excerpted from Rick's upcoming book, That's My Teenage Son, due for release in Jan. 2011.

Get More Sex from Your Marriage!

2010-08-14T12:12:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked to speak at a large men’s conference. Besides speaking from the main stage I was scheduled to give two breakout sessions as well. One of the breakout sessions was on the topic of my newest book, Becoming Your Spouse’s Better Half. Upon arriving at the venue I looked at the participant guide and discovered that the event producers had promoted this workshop as a “how to get more sex in your marriage” event. Needless to say about 580 out of the 600 men in attendance showed up at the workshop. The twenty who didn’t come were the teenage boys who were forced (somewhat reluctantly) to attend the workshop on sexual purity.

However, rather than discuss sex during the workshop, I talked mostly about a woman’s true needs and how best to fulfill them. For instance I talked about how romance is a key factor in having an enjoyable sex life for women--that women are physically stimulated through romance because it meets their key needs of feeling cherished and loved. To be romanced is to feel special and of value. To be romanced is to be pursued. It makes a woman feel loved and attractive. When a woman’s need for non-sexual affection is met she is programmed to respond with physical affection. Nearly all women derive at least some self-esteem or self-value from being desired and wanted by a man.

I also explained how many women are unable to separate sex from the context of their daily lives and relationships. That might sound strange to us men, but know that if you have been arguing with your wife or if the kids are sick, she is not likely to be in the mood for sex. And while men use sex to heal the problems of life, women are just the opposite. In fact many women report that if the house is messy or the dishes dirty they are unable to relax and concentrate on having sexual relations.
I also told the men the importance of speaking words that their wives need to hear such as “I love you” and “You’re beautiful.” When a woman feels beautiful she is more likely to be sexually responsive. A wife needs to hear several things daily. She needs confirmation that her man loves her, and she needs to know he finds her beautiful. She needs to hear those things frequently to allay her fears and insecurities. Most women are very insecure about their appearance. She magnifies in her mind any perceived imperfections or flaws in her physical appearance. I use the word perceived because they are usually just that—figments of her imagination. The great mystery is that even the world’s most beautiful women think they are ugly or have features they are insecure about. These negative whispers in her ear are strategies by the evil one to strike her where she is most vulnerable and where it hurts most.

As we discussed the need to actually “talk” to their wives you could see an almost pained expression come over the faces of the men. I reassured them by talking about the importance of just listening to a woman and not trying to solve her problems.

Frankly, the men were pretty stoic during the entire presentation. I had not given this workshop before so I did not know what to expect. But surprisingly to me were how many men came up to me afterwards, many with tears in their eyes, and expressed genuine thanks at the epiphanies they had received regarding their wives’ needs. I have since received half-dozen emails from men at the conference commenting on, according to their wives, how much the information I shared has already improved their marriages.

I believe the average guy is sincerely confused about his wife’s needs and how to fulfill them. Women are complex creatures to most men. Every man I know wants to make his wife happy, and most guys would be willing to do whatever it takes—provided they knew what to do! Rather than advice from a Lothario’s perspective (which is what most books in our culture promote), we need to teach men (young and old) down to earth, practical, common sense advice on how to fulfill their wives’ deepest needs, thus creating harmony, joy, and contentment in the lives of their spouses. And if they happen to get a more fulfilling sex life because of it—so be it!

The Worm in the Apple of Eden

2010-03-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

Suzanne and I recently returned from an incredible week-long speaking tour of the US Virgin Islands. With a very high fatherless rate, the Virgin Islands are experiencing problems with gangs and young men killing each other nightly. I was brought to the islands to do a series of workshops on Why Men Matter, The Importance of Fathers, and Raising Boys to Become Good Men. In preparation of our trip I did a weeks worth of radio interviews as well as several newspaper article interviews beforehand. Since the people of the Virgin Islands are steeped in a “radio culture” it was decided to broadcast all of the workshops over the airwaves. Apparently, everybody listens to talk radio all the time. This allowed tremendous coverage over all three islands producing a saturation of my message to a huge percentage of the population (one radio show had a caller from the British Virgin Islands wanting us to come there as well—alas our schedule did not permit). The radio waves covered as far away as parts of Puerto Rico. Numerous people came up and excitedly told us they had heard me on the radio. In fact, at the airport while we were leaving, the Customs agent asked what our business was on the islands. When I told her I had been doing a series of Better Dads workshops she said, “Oh, you’re that guy! I heard you—thank you, we needed that very much!” As our visionary and most wonderful host, Stephanie Scott-Williams said, “Rick Johnson and Better Dads are now household names in the territories.” Stephanie is a former senator and very influential throughout the islands—she worked incredibly hard to make this trip a success. She is a 62 year old grandmother who saw my Better Dads Stronger Sons book in the Atlanta airport last year. She started reading it and was so taken with it that she bought 10 copies and gave them to 10 men, telling them to read it and meet with her three weeks later. They decided at that meeting to have Stephanie contact me and find out my availability and cost to come to the islands.

I was initially concerned about potential racial, cultural, or communication barriers, but God’s hand was clearly in place (thanks to many people’s prayers). None of those barriers impeded transmission of the message one bit. If anything, people all appeared very, very grateful for my presence. The following is a brief day–by-day outline of our journey and adventures:

Day 1 – After traveling all night we arrived in St. Thomas at noon the next day. We were taken to our hotel on Emerald Bay and immediately jumped into the ocean. Every hotel we stayed at had gorgeous views of the ocean from our balconies. We then attended a welcome dinner with all of the members of the team who had been instrumental in bringing us to the islands. One lady shared with us that her husband had not gotten along with his father his entire life. One day he was eves dropping while she was listening to my audio CD about the importance of reconciling with your father. She said he disappeared and returned later that evening. She asked where he had been and he said he felt like visiting his father—they had talked all day long. She said he had never done that before.

Day 2 – Morning was a 3-hour seminar broadcast over the radio. The “discussion” format allowed listeners to call in and the phone lines were jammed. People were even calling the station manager on her cell phone asking her to get them through so they could talk to us. The young man (Ash) who was the engineer and producer was raised by a single mom and was very excited about the conversation. Lunch was at Gladys Café (a famous local restaurant) and then a private, personal tour of the island. We then swam in Magen’s Bay, one of the top 10 beaches in the world (our personal guide stayed and watched over our stuff while we swam and snorkeled). That evening was a three-hour workshop broadcast over three radio stations.

Day 3 – Morning I spoke to young men at the correctional facilities on St. Thomas. The young men were like dry sponges soaking up my message. They commented, “When are you coming back? We have never heard this before. How come no one ever told us this stuff before?” Volunteers told me that the next morning, the one young man who I thought was the hardest case, showed up early, very eager for whatever programs he could get in to turn his life around. They were amazed at his transformation! We then took a boat to the beautiful island of St. John. We had a private tour of the island with lunch at a mountaintop cafe and swam in Trunk Bay—the most beautiful beach I have ever seen! Pure white sandy beaches, verdant green vegetation, bright blue skies, and crystal clear cerulean water of varying shades ranging from cornflower light blue to Dodger blue to deep velvet azure blue. That evening we did a live workshop at the Julius Sprauve School that was simulcast over three separate radio stations (no commercials on any of the radio broadcasts). The seminar was well attended by educators, social service agencies, parents, a newspaper reporter, and men from many venues and was universally well received. In particular the people who I was most concerned about were the most enthusiastic (seeing a pattern here?). We took the ferry back late that night.

Day 4 – Book signing in morning at local bookstore—well attended and met many people who had heard me on radio. Three hours of shopping then a 2-hour radio workshop on a popular young persons station with several other contributors including hosts Tony T, Dr. Walker, and several teenage boys. It was more of a discussion then a seminar but was very well received by a younger audience. Another young man (Malik) who was an engineer at the station kept running in at the breaks all excited saying, “We never talk about this kind of stuff here!” That night we went to the Bolongo Beach Caribbean Night party. We had a buffet of authentic Caribbean food and planters punch, watched Moko Jumbies (dancers in costumes with masks on stilts), fire dancers, broken glass walkers, and limbo dancing! Great time!

Day 5 – Took seaplane to island of St. Croix. Interviewed with popular radio host and former senator Holland Redfield. Lunch with team of people who were responsible for bringing me to the island. Afternoon was a two-hour talk to 50-60 inmates at the penitentiary. Most men there are incarcerated for 25 years to life. I was concerned as these men are hardened criminals and have nothing to look forward to. They were also all black with a few Latinos. However, they were, to a man, exceptionally respectful, enthusiastic and grateful for my message. My host said race was never an issue even from the start. Many men came up afterwards and thanked me. One young man (very articulate, handsome, polite, and educated) asked me my advice on writing. I asked him how long until he was released. He told me, “57 and ½ years.” It broke my heart—what leads a young man with so much going for him to end up in a circumstance where he spends his entire life behind bars? Interestingly, everywhere we went, the men who were most supportive of my words were the Rastafarians. I apparently struck a cord with them, ya mon.

Afterwards we jumped into the surf at our beautiful ocean front hotel, the Sand Castles, in Fredrickstedt and watched a stunning sunset. Our host then took us to eat dinner at a restaurant straight out of a movie setting. We walked down an alleyway into a courtyard. Beautiful outdoor dining with linen table clothes and sparkling lights under the stars. We had steak and lobster—the medium-sized lobster was bigger than my head! The steak was like butter and the pina coladas were flowing freely (rum is cheap and they don’t skimp). We had a live, six-piece jazz/calypso band of elderly men playing just for us and two other couples. Suzanne and I took our turn dancing under the starlit sky—very romantic, even for a guy.

Day 6 - Early the next morning I watched an old man walk his horse way out into the ocean and swim together for miles. Stephanie told us it is a common way to exercise horses there. Fredrickstedt was very old and rural—no tourists. Farmers sell fresh fruits and fresh fish in stands along the roadway. We loved it best and will go back for a vacation to this city if God blesses us again. It is cheaper and more laid back. We then gave another live/simulcast radio workshop at the Career and Technical Education Center. Another newspaper reporter attended along with many educators, students, social service agencies, parents, and men and women from the community. We then spent several hours shopping in Christianstedt before taking the seaplane back to St. Thomas (if I ever had another dream job it would be a seaplane pilot flying between the Virgin Islands). We swam that evening for the final time in Emerald Bay and left the next morning very early.

Besides being paid to speak in paradise, we paid for virtually nothing—including tips--on this trip. I was also given several wonderful gifts. The prison honored me with a beautiful hand-painted ceramic tile of an old sugar cane mill. Additionally, the VI Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Council gave me a desk plaque handcrafted by the world famous sculptor Jan R. Mitchell. Mitchell’s work is in the Smithsonian and the Thompson Museum in Kentucky. Additionally, she has statues outside the US Courthouse and in several parks.

In conclusion—I am exhausted (worked hard and put away wet) but marvelously blessed by how much God used us to touch the lives of the people of the Virgin Islands. Spiritual warfare was taking place around us so often that Suzanne, Stephanie and I eventually had to laugh at the absurdity of it all. I have already forwarded several emails from people who responded to our visit. The Virgin Islands are stunningly gorgeous—beyond description. Everyday we saw something more beautiful than the previous. I found the people of the territories to be beautiful, friendly, loving, and very eager for information. Even their language is lilting and pleasant, ya mon. We were treated like royalty our entire visit and met people who will be our lifelong friends. As I told one man who emailed, Suzanne and I were blessed far beyond any blessing we may have brought to the islands. Just one more example of God’s grace to those who risk stepping out in faith to do His will. I am truly a blessed man. Thanks again for your prayers. I will try and post photos later.

Father-Daughter Summit Brings Tears and Reconciliation

2010-02-02T16:29:00.000-08:00

My 21-year-old daughter, Kelsey, and I had the privilege of speaking together at the Third Annual Seattle Father-Daughter Summit this past weekend. It was a powerful event that was attended by about 60 pairs of fathers and daughters with ages ranging from 11-25 years old. The Summit was an all day event sponsored by several fathering and family ministries. The program consisted of seven sessions working with fathers and daughters together, fathers alone, and daughters alone by age group. Each session was designed to build upon the previous ones and included letter writing, trust building exercises, and father-daughter dialogues. But at least one girl was changed more than she bargained for.

Fathers have an incredible influence (positive or negative) on nearly every aspect of their daughter’s lives. Fathers set a huge role model for their daughters regarding the qualities she looks for in men and the standards she maintains. He is the first man in her life and models how a man should treat a woman, how a man should act, and how a man shows healthy love and affection to a woman. He also sets the standard for how a daughter feels she deserves to be treated by men. He even determines how a girl feels about herself. If her father shows his daughter love, respect, and appreciation for who she is, she will believe that about herself as a woman, no matter what anyone else thinks. Girls deprived of this father love and affection make poor choices in an effort to fill that void.

The goal of the weekend was to help the fathers understand how important they are in the lives of their daughters, and how to foster a healthy connection with their daughters as they become young women. We also wanted to help the daughters recognize their need for a healthy relationship with their fathers and the consequences in their lives when that doesn’t happen. Lastly, we wanted to help facilitate reconciliation between fathers and daughters who were struggling or had past wounds.

As the teenage girls arrived their body language suggested that they did not want to be there and many of them were actually cold and distant toward their fathers. The dads of course appeared a bit anxious and nervous. As the day progressed and the speakers and workshops broke down those barriers we began to see fathers and daughters talking, sitting closer to one another, and even laughing and hugging each other.

The event culminated in a “father blessing” of the daughters. I knelt in front of my daughter on stage and prayerfully offered my blessing to her publically, stating that I loved her, I was proud of her, and asking God to bestow his blessings upon her (yes, it was difficult to keep from blubbering). Kelsey then tearfully accepted my blessing and responded with gratitude and thankfulness for me being her father (stupid eyes wouldn’t stop watering). To then watch the fathers kneel and bless each of their daughters was a powerful and emotional experience. One sullen young girl threw her arms around her father, buried her face in his chest and sobbed, “Oh Daddy, I love you so much!” Many fathers and daughters were in tearful embraces as we concluded the day’s activities.

Here was just a sampling of quotes from the day:

"The best thing about today was getting closer and more excited about me and my dad! I'm glad I came today because he made me feel wonderful and more loved."

"I got to see that my Dad isn't that bad. I'm glad I came because he let the communication be open."

"The most helpful insight I received was realizing that me and my dad can do anything if we take one step at a time."

The father-daughter bond is a special one that impacts a young woman for her entire life. We strived to grow and repair some of those bonds this weekend. The reactions of the young women confirmed to me the importance of a father in a girl’s life. Dads--your girl needs you, more than she can ever tell you. Take the time to nurture that relationship and you’ll both be blessed.

To find out more about bringing a father-daughter event to your area contact betterdads@verizon.net.

Promise Keepers Canada is Awesome!

2009-11-10T17:48:00.000-08:00

The Promise Keepers Game Day 2009 in Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada was perhaps the most powerful and impactful men’s event I have ever participated in. Like in Regina, SK several weeks ago, about 625 men and boys attended this amazing event—many driving from hours and hours away. The community was so excited that PK was in town they had 50 volunteers show up! Paul Downer (son of Phil Downer) spoke first Friday evening with a powerful talk about his broken relationship with his father and how they had healed. I then again gave the closing session on the main stage Friday night with the topic of “healing our father wounds.” Much like in Regina, many, many men came down in tears to the front for the alter call to be prayed over for healing and forgiveness. I witnessed other men in their seats all over the sanctuary praying over the men next to them in tears of pain and relief. I observed elderly men come down to have life long wounds healed. I saw men praying with and then hugging for the longest time young men whose father’s had abandoned them, both in tears. Many tears were shed that night (including mine). Know that when men open up and allow their vulnerable insides to be exposed like this it is not an insignificant event.

Again the prayer team played a huge role in the conference. I went downstairs Friday evening into the bowels of the building for about 30 minutes where the prayer team was stationed for the entire weekend. The presence of the Holy Spirit was so abundant that the hairs on my arms were standing on end. I don’t think I have ever heard so many people (20-30 prayer intercessors) pray so powerfully.

The next morning I was blessed to be approached at the hotel restaurant and asked to have breakfast with a grandfather, father, and two teenage sons who were attending the conference together—three generations of men growing together. While the workshops given by me and the other speakers were very impactful (I had many men tell me how much mine had helped them), the final session of the conference was an incredible time of men’s hearts breaking. Rick Verkerk of Promise Keepers closed with an unbelievably powerful account of living with a sin in his life for 12 years that every man in the building could strongly relate to. During the closing alter call many men rushed down front and fell to their knees to be prayed for and receive forgiveness. It shook all of us deeply. I personally have never heard men sob so loud and hard. As the band began to pound out a powerful song of praise, men continued to stay on their knees with faces to the ground while those in their seats sang at the top of their lungs, rocking the building’s foundation. On and on the band played while men prayed, danced, and sang with abandon. The speakers joined Rick V. on stage to lead the men in wild worship. I was holding myself together pretty well until I looked over on stage and saw tears streaming down the drummer’s face as he pounded out the beat—then I had to find the Kleenex box. The evening ended on a boisterous note with men cheering and clapping for the longest time, reluctant to leave and lingering long into the night to bask in the presence of the Holy Spirit even after the music ended.

So many men approached me during the weekend that it is again difficult to remember any specific conversations. Some that stand out was the man that was a recovering homosexual who was touched deeply by my session on father wounds. One of the prayer intercessors somewhat timidly approached me with a message of prophesy for me from God (He said, “Who am I to tell a speaker what God says?” Frankly I was stunned that he would be that hesitant and seemingly give more importance to my supposed “status” than to the word of God and encouraged him accordingly). He said that God had told him many things (that I will not repeat here) but that were very encouraging to me and the Better Dads ministry. Interestingly, they were very similar to things that have been prophesized to me several times in the past by others. Another man approached me to pray with him so that he could reconcile and share his faith with his father who he has not spoken to in over nine years. As he called his wife to share that news on Friday night she exclaimed tearfully, “Finally--thank God!” He was originally only going to attend Saturday’s sessions because he was unemployed and didn’t have money for a hotel. But as he read about Friday’s topic of healing the father wound he knew he had to come and God made it happen.

I will remember this event for as long as I live, using it as a standard to compare other conferences I speak at. Many kudos to the local men who helped set this event up—they did an awesome job. I only regret that I am woefully inadequate to accurately describe the amazing miracles that happened this weekend. However, one final blessing was given me as I flew home today. As I was preparing to board the plane in Calgary to come home I found myself with a bad attitude (coming down from the “high” of an event like this is hard, plus going through customs and waiting around the hot airport didn’t help). I prayed to God to help me get a good attitude so that I wouldn’t negatively influence someone. I asked God to put me in someone’s path that would help me and that I could help. Now understand that in all the years I have been traveling and speaking I have never run into anyone I knew, much less been assigned to sit next to them. As I boarded the plane the man who sat down next to me was Paul Young, author of The Shack. Paul and I know each other but have not crossed paths for a couple of years. Paul was returning from being on the road since Sept. 13th. We had a great time catching up and encouraging each other. What are the odds that Paul and I would have the same flight, same plane, seats next to each other in Canada on the same day? What a great gift and answer to prayer. What a mighty God we serve! Thank you all for your prayers,

Rick

Interview With Andrew Klavan

2009-09-17T19:32:00.000-07:00

One of the great perks about being an author and speaker is that I get the opportunity to meet and hang out with other writers (usually ones a lot more famous and talented than me). One of the incredible authors I have been fortunate enough to get to know a little is Andrew Klavan. Andrew is an Edgar Award winning author of a bunch of great books such as Hunting Down Amanda, Shotgun Alley, Dynamite Road, and Empire of Lies. In addition, two of his New York Times bestselling novels were made into commercially successful films: Don’t Say a Word starring Michael Douglas, and True Crime starring Clint Eastwood.

Klavan recently released his first novel for young adults, The Last Thing I Remember, by Thomas Nelson, and it quickly became a CBA bestseller. It’s the story of Charlie West, an ordinary, straight arrow teenager who goes to bed one night and wakes up strapped to a chair being tortured by jihadists. Charlie's desperate struggle to find out how he got into a situation like this will challenge him in every way, forcing him to rely on his faith, his courage and his fighting skills to stay alive. The second in the series, The Long way Home, will be released next February.

Andrew was kind enough to let me use one of his quotes in my first book and has put up with my barrage of emails and newsletters over the years. You can find out more about Andrew and his work on his web site at www.andrewklavan.com. Here are a few questions Andrew agreed to answer for our readers:

1) Let me start with the question that everyone always wants to know—how did you become a writer?

You know, the truth is, I never wanted to be anything else. I mean, when I was little, I wanted to be an astronaut and a cowboy or whatever, but by the time I was thinking seriously about who I was, I felt I was a novelist. I took jobs to earn money, but I was always writing at night, and the minute I scraped together enough money, I would quit and write full time until I was broke again. Looking back on it, it was a dumb way to do it, but I was obsessed with doing this one thing I wanted to do.

2) Second obligatory question—where do you get your ideas from?

I don’t really have a good answer to that. The fact that I get ideas is what I started with. If I didn’t have ideas, I wouldn’t be a novelist. If stories didn’t come to me that I had to tell, felt compelled to tell, believe me, I would do something far more secure, far less dependent on the opinions and tastes of others. I’d’ve gone to law school or whatever. The fact that I have ideas for stories is why I do what I do.

3) What was it like having several of your books turned into successful Hollywood movies? Did you get to meet any of the stars?

Oh hey, it’s cool. Just the fact that it goes from being such a private act of creation to such a public show on such a big screen is sort of wild. But to be perfectly honest, I’ve always loved books first. I’d always rather read a good book than see a movie, so I’m not always as impressed by the whole movie thing as people around me are. Mostly I stayed out of the process – although I did write an early script of Don’t Say A Word. And yes, I did get to meet Clint Eastwood at the premiere of True Crime. A totally gracious, classy guy.

4) I absolutely love your videos on PJTV. How did the “Klavan on the Culture” series get started? [http://www.pjtv.com/page/Klavan_On_Culture/168/;jsessionid=abc_4BOdUHcWNhXQlalps]

Well, Roger Simon, the CEO of PJTV, had given me a webcam and invited me to come on some of their talk shows. So I was watching these shows and thinking, you know, this is really different, a whole new medium, and I’d like to do something with this that no one’s quite doing. So I pitched the idea of Klavan on the Culture to Roger as sort of a weird blend of social commentary and Monty Python. And Roger’s a creative guy and he was, like, sure, try it. So I did and it’s been an absolute blast.

5) Some of the videos in the series are probably considered quite politically incorrect. I suspect I know the answer to this but why jeopardize your career?

LOL, dude, that is my career! Not being politically incorrect per se, but saying what I mean, trying to get as close as I can to my vision of the truth. I always think: what’s the point of putting words down on paper if you’re not trying to get at the truth about things? And if the truth is politically incorrect then that’s where you go. I get a lot of relativist feedback, a lot of people who say, oh, you know, you’re being moralistic, nothing’s really objectively good or bad but thinking makes it so. But I don’t believe that and, you know what? Neither do they, not really. There’s such a thing as truth, we all know it, and writing—art, in general—is one of the ways we try to approach it.

6) Having been a long time fan of your work I have observed that you have gotten progressively less secular in nature and more faith-based in your writing style over the years. What is the motivation behind this? Why go from a big New York house publisher to Thomas Nelson, a CBA publisher?

Well, I wrestled with questions of faith for more than thirty years, and finally felt free to believe and it’s unnatural for me to force that down. I think it took me all that time, not to convince myself that God was real, but to convince myself that there were no intellectual objections that couldn’t be overcome. I had to clear the way, if you see what I mean, so I was sure my faith was authentic and not a form of escapism. Still, I try very hard not to write about things I don’t know. I don’t have angels fluttering around my books because I’ve never seen an angel. I just feel freer to allow characters to express their faith—which in the end makes my stuff just that much more realistic, I think.

7) Your last several books have been specifically about men (and boys) of faith. However, you appear to be pretty realistic in your portrayal of the struggles that Christian men deal with. Have you gotten much flack from the Christian community for this depiction?

A little flack, yeah. People saying why do I have to show men’s thoughts as being so highly sexualized, why do I have to show so much doubt, why aren’t I more sunny, more positive. I find this attitude kind of baffling. If the world were sunny and positive, you wouldn’t need faith! In True Crime, there’s a minister, who says something like, “If you want to believe in God, you have to believe in a god of the sad world.” I’m not trying to be unpleasant or disgusting or anything, I just want my stories to take place in the world as it is, not the world as we would like it to be.

8) You mentioned that you were “Getting attacked in the press for believing in God and being patriotic.” As a successful New York Times bestseller and Edgar Award winning author are you concerned that you and your work will be blacklisted or banned by Hollywood or the secular media because of your conservative stance?

You know, I’ve taken a big economic hit since I became so outspoken, and it can be tough at times, but I’ve never lost a moment’s sleep over it. I know there are people who won’t work with me anymore and, conversely, I know there are stories I’m no longer willing to tell because I think they’re dishonest or abhorrent. But I’ve never felt so at peace or so joyful about what I’m doing—and there’s not enough money in the world to buy that feeling from me. So doors will close, but I believe others will open, are opening even as we speak. We’ll see.

9) What do you think is the greatest threat to our country today?

Ignorance. We’re ignorant of the meaning of liberty. We don’t understand what it is, how rare it is, how important it is, how difficult it is to preserve—our young people especially. Al Qaeda and the Islamists attack from without and they’re a danger, but there’s a danger from within too—a danger of people selling away their birthright of freedom for easy comfort and security. Everything truly worthwhile—faith, love, the journey to your best self—they all require freedom. We should be teaching the meaning of the word on every street corner so that people remember.

10) What’s the best thing about being Andrew Klavan?

Oh, that’s an easy one. Being married to Mrs. Klavan. Thirty years and I’m still just absolutely crazy about her. I’m not just talking either. I wake up every morning and wrap myself around her in gratitude. Frankly, I think she finds it a thorough-going pain in the neck! LOL!

Find Andrew's great books at:

Empire of Lies: http://www.amazon.com/Last-Thing-I-Remember-Homelanders/dp/1595546073/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253241466&sr=1-1

The Last Thing I Remember: http://www.amazon.com/Last-Thing-I-Remember-Homelanders/dp/1595546073/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253241466&sr=1-1

Advice to a Young Woman

2009-08-19T16:02:00.000-07:00

I’ve seen you at our seminars. Perhaps you’ve read my books. I see your pictures and I read your responses everyday on Facebook. I feel like I know you as a daughter. I see a beautiful, intelligent, vibrant young woman with a witty and ironic sense of humor. Perhaps you made poor choices in men and birthed children you are struggling to raise without a father. Yet you approach this overwhelming task with determination and courage, even though sometimes you feel like it’s draining you dry.

You put up a good front but you feel bad about yourself. I can tell. Maybe your father abused or abandoned you or failed to give you the healthy affection you deserved and longed for. So you failed to see in the mirror the picture of grace, beauty, and radiance that God sees when He looks at you. In your desire to get your desperate yearning for masculine love fulfilled you settled for the first man (really a boy) who paid attention to you. You settled instead of chose. You set your bar too low. Without even knowing it you allowed your self-image to be controlled by whether you had a man in your life. Therefore a bad man was better than no man at all. You still secretly fear that no man wants you—that somehow you are less a woman for it.

But know this. You are special. You are beautiful—despite what the world or anyone who should have known better has ever said. You are loved unconditionally by a heavenly Father who knows your deepest secrets and still cherishes you enough to die for you. This Father desires you and wants to hold you in his protective arms. Know that and rejoice in the fact that he has a plan for your life.

And for goodness sakes understand how special you are—don’t settle! Hold out for the man you deserve--a man who will cherish and honor you but still lead with wisdom and integrity.

--From an older man to all young women

Camp Changes Lives!

2009-06-27T00:08:00.000-07:00

Better Dads hosted our Third Annual Single Mom's Family Camp on June 12-14 at Canby Grove Christian Camp. I don’t even know where to begin to report all the incredible things that happened at this camp.

First of all, let me say thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of the volunteers, donors, and prayer warriors who were involved in this event. You will never know how many lives you touched or how deeply you touched them until you are standing before our Maker. But I know that miracles happened and lives were changed this weekend. I don’t make that statement lightly. Literally people’s lives were changed and hearts healed.

As I watched the kids (ages 5-16) arrive, most did not want to be there and had been forced to come by mom. There were angry and sullen. But very quickly they learned how much fun it was playing with the volunteers. Their veneer soon changed to one of excitement and happiness. The kids played soccer, volleyball, basketball, freeze tag, archery, fishing, biking, and all sorts of other activities. I watched Jon work with the teenage boys and saw him connect with them on a level they craved. He taught them simple lessons through actions and words on what it means to be a man—just what they all yearned for. They hung on his every word by the end of camp. Jon taught them to use a pocketknife and handed out several at the end of camp as gifts to the older boys. He taught another boy how to gut and clean a fish—just what every man should know. Lastly he taught them to build birdhouses with their own two hands—they were very proud of their work. Jon also showed them not to mess with us old guys in push-ups or running contests (although I heard he biffed on the BMX course).

At the campfire Saturday night I watched Katie sit with a little girl on her lap. Next to her, her husband Caleb had two little boys snuggled in his arms against his chest. They contentedly stayed there the whole night relishing the contact, sucking up his masculine essence like dry sponges. I watched Ron and Paul teach kids how to fish and the great joy and feelings of adequacy that comes from a boy catching his first fish by himself (46 fish were caught, cleaned and frozen to be taken home and cooked by the kids). Danny and Donna loved up the littler children. Kelsey played with kids until they couldn’t stand up any more. Her role model of a vibrant, healthy, godly young woman is powerful to both boys and girls. The youth group from Mountainview Christian Church was invaluable in playing with the kids who looked up to them as older role models. They produced some wonderful skits around the campfire to entertain everyone. Sheryl was the RN on duty who made sure no one was harmed and Adam and Tyson were firefighter/EMTs who lent their presence of protection as well. Linda took hundreds of photos that I can’t wait to see.

Overnight the behavior of the kids changed as they watched people they looked up to honoring and respecting their mothers. Just a brief amount of exposure to healthy masculinity in their lives calmed them and made them feel secure and content. Moms were somewhat stunned when their children became polite and happy to see them. By Saturday afternoon, they all loved being at the camp. Many wanted to stay and several asked if they could volunteer next year. One little boy told his mom, “I love this ‘school.’ Can we stay?” Mostly, the children’s behavior changed because someone offered them love and cared enough to spend time with them. It’s a huge lesson we all need to learn. One 16-year old boy (who was reportedly rolling his eyes in disgust as they registered) asked me if I was the “Tape Man.” He said his grandma plays my CD every time he gets in the car. I told him I was sorry. He said, “No, it’s helped me a lot.” He then proceeded to tell me one of the stories on the CD and how it applied to his life. Needless to say, I gave him a copy of my newest book on masculinity as a going away gift.

The speakers were incredible. Clearly, God orchestrated all of the speakers to scaffold one upon another so that the message was one of hope, encouragement, and the love God has for these moms and kids.

But it wasn’t all teaching and hard work for the moms. One of the great joys of the moms was being awoken Saturday morning with a tray of coffee, flowers, a newspaper, and goodies at their cabin doors. Most moms were shocked to find out the camp was actually for them—not for their children. Probably the people who worked the hardest with the least amount of credit were the beautiful women who served the moms. Suzanne, Terri, and Susan worked like lumberjacks (although they sure don’t look like one) to pamper and bless the moms with a spa experience on Saturday afternoon, and a karaoke fest that night. Along with Debbie O., Debbie A., Jen, Sarah, Lydia, and Linda they washed the moms’ feet, gave pedicures, and massaged their heads, necks, and shoulders. They also served them decadent deserts, coffee, and cold blended fruit drinks. They were treated like queens. Later that evening, I was afraid to enter the room where karaoke singing was taking place but I heard the women got pretty wild (led by Suzanne of course) and many said they had never before had so much fun or felt safe and free to cut loose. Later at night, as the moms walked together towards the campfire, the children (unprompted by the leaders) dropped their s’mores and gave them a long standing ovation. Quite a change in attitude from just 24 hours earlier!

Many tears were shed as the moms were leaving. Here are just a few of the comments made by moms:

“My life has been changed from Rick’s workshops…I believe God put me on a path to heal my heart from the father wound in my life….The workshop you did on relationships was hard for me—I wanted to cry like a baby….This camp has inspired me to work on the “black hole” that is inside me. I want to work on those issues of why I crave male attention or want to marry my father. It has opened my eyes. Thank you for blessing me and my son.”

“I want to say THANK YOU with all my heart to those who made this camp possible. My son and I will remember this time as a gift from God through people like you who made it happen. We leave here sadly, yet feeling oh so blessed!”

“My children and I have been touched and blessed to be here. The future is bright for our family and one of the brightest parts of our future is the tools we will take with us from this weekend.”

“To all those who made this miracle happen in our lives: THANK YOU from the depths of my being. There have been tears of joy and pain. Growth always happens during our deepest heartfelt emotions. You have blessed my son and myself so deeply and profoundly. God bless you all!”

“I had a time to reflect on who I was in Christ without being judged.”

“I could never thank you enough for this wonderful weekend. This weekend has really given my son and my relationship those first few stitches it needed to be mended. I have seen a dramatic change in his attitude in just two days. From the age of 2 my son was taught by my ex-husband to disrespect women, other children, and people in general. Nothing has worked to break that behavior; not me, not months of counseling, not other positive people. During this weekend, thanks to everyone’s involvement, that hard shell has been cracked. Thank you so much!”

“I am so blessed after this weekend. I am grateful beyond words to God for bringing the volunteers, youth group, speakers, and so many other together this weekend. Truly words are not enough to express how wonderful this experience has been for the kids…we really lived!!!

“It was hard to come here this weekend. It has been so long since I socialized. It seems easier to crawl in my shell. Rick, your talk about “choosing” and not settling really encouraged me. I feel so “less than” all the time, and I hate that I feel this way. Lori’s talk inspired me to allow God to enter into the deep recesses of my heart for healing. My armor I have wrapped myself in is strong, it’s hard to be open to God breaking the brick wall I have formed…to love me. PS – my kids adored the youth counselors!”

“I came to this retreat hoping to take from it a sense of validation, new friendships, and a closer relationship with God. Not only am I taking those things but most importantly I take with me the knowledge that I am my Heavenly Father’s little girl! I know now that I can drop this unfounded fear that I will fail and be cast aside if I make mistakes.”

“Thank you for being our voice.”

As you can see, I was blessed mightily to be part of this event that God put together. You see I had resigned myself to the fact that we would not have a camp this year as we had broken ties with the camp we formerly partnered with. With the cost of the camp being around $10,000 and local camps being booked for 1-2 years in advance I just assumed we would not be able to do anything this year. But God had other plans. I soon received an email from a donor who promised the entire amount to underwrite the camp provided we could raise some matching funds. One day later Suzanne received a call from Canby Grove Christian Camp saying they had heard what we were doing and wanted us to visit to see if their facilities would work. Not surprisingly their facilities were perfect—and oh yeah, they just happened to have a summer weekend open. And so, it was up to me to organize and put together a camp for the first time from the ground up. A huge task I soon discovered. However, I believe God’s plan was to fully train us and a core group of volunteers how to implement these camps so that we can now go to other states and train other churches and groups how to fulfill this huge need in our society.

We learned a lot but the one thing I learned was to start planning as early as possible. Therefore, if you would like to partner with us next year please let us know. The earlier we can get the funding committed the earlier we can plan and get vendors, sponsors, churches, and volunteers on board. Sorry this blog was so long, but the work God did at the camp surpassed my skills as a writer.

May God bless all the volunteers and donors for your involvement in the lives of these widows and orphans.

What is a "Real" Man--Part 2

2009-06-04T12:14:00.000-07:00

Seek justice
Encourage the oppressed
Defend the cause of the fatherless
Plead the case of the widow
Isaiah 1:17 (NKJV)

In the first part of this article we looked at what authentic masculinity was not—now let’s look at what it is. I am optimistic that there is a new kind of masculinity taking hold in this country. Men want to lead more rewarding lives and are recognizing that living for others is the path to true satisfaction.

An authentically masculine man puts aside his needs, desires, wants--and sometimes even his dreams--for the benefit of others. He does this without fanfare and frequently without anyone even noticing. His life is not about his individual rights, achievements, or happiness; it’s about making life better for others. His sacrifices are part of his character and give his life significance. He meets these sacrifices with the stoic nobility that God granted all men by right of their birth gender.

A real man has honor. He stands tall as the fierce winds of adversity blow around him. He cherishes and protects women and children. He knows he has an obligation to mentor those who follow in his footsteps. He recognizes his sphere of influence and uses it for good. He understands that life does have fundamental truths and lives his life according to a firm set of principles. He uses his God-given warrior spirit to fight for justice and equality. He stands for something. Too many men today stand for nothing—they are directionless.

Men who exhibit authentic masculinity live lives of significance. They lift up others to help them achieve their potential. They make sacrifices in order to make a difference in the world--for everyone, not just their own family. They have passion and vision and are genuinely interested in giving of themselves for the betterment of others. And they probably don’t make a big production out of doing it either. Men like this are other-centered, not self-centered. They are other-focused instead of self-focused. Authentic men live to a higher standard in life.

In the movie, Kingdom of Heaven, a young widower blacksmith first meets his father as he travels to defend Jerusalem during the Crusades. His father introduces himself to his son for the first time and asks forgiveness for never having been a part of his life. With nothing to keep him in his village after the death of his wife and child, the young man follows his father and trains to become a knight. In the short period they are together before his father’s death, the young man flourishes under his father’s tutelage and follows in his footsteps, becoming a man of honor. Throughout the movie the young knight relies on his father’s instruction and example. In one powerful scene near the end of the movie while he is preparing the city of Jerusalem against attack by overwhelming forces, he endows knighthood upon the city’s commoners defending the city by quoting the same oath that his father did to him:

Be without fear in the face of your enemies,
Be brave and upright that God may love thee,
Speak the truth even if it leads to your death,
Safeguard the helpless.
That is your oath!

The local high priest admonishes him by saying, “Who do you think you are? Can you alter the world? Does making a man a knight make him a better fighter?”

As the knight looks him in the eye and boldly proclaims, “Yes!” you can see all the men who have been charged with the challenge to greatness swell with pride and determination. They do in fact know that the expectations and exhortations of greatness can make a man more than he would be without the knowledge of God’s vision for his and every man’s life.

Manhood as defined by the Bible requires men to put the needs and best interests of others before their own. It’s about living sacrificially. A man uses his strength and influence to help others and defend those who cannot defend themselves. Read how manly this verse sounds and how it speaks powerfully to a man’s heart:

“I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him…I made the widows heart sing…I was eyes to the blind and feet to the lame. I was father to the needy; I took up the case of the stranger. I broke the fangs of the wicked and snatched the victims from their teeth.” Job 29:12, 13, 15-17 (NIV).

God gives men a mandate throughout the bible to protect women and children and be His representative here on earth. “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this; to look after orphans and widows in their distress” James 1:27 (NIV).

We believe that our Better Dads ministry has the anointing of Isaiah 61 over it, but especially the first verse, “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives, and freedom to prisoners” Isaiah 61:1 (NKJV). We believe that by helping others we are making a difference in the world, and thus justify our existence on earth.

Authentic men are passionate, fierce, and noble—they care. In fact, they are a little dangerous, but it’s a good dangerous. You might not see this passion on the exterior, but it’s bubbling under pressure just beneath the surface, forcing its way into every area of his life. They have a spiritual longing for adventure, for a battle to fight that’s bigger than themselves, for significance in their lives. Like modern-day gladiators they stand in the ring facing the challenges of life with courage and passion.

When you see a man with a passion for something bigger and nobler than himself, you are looking authentic masculinity in the eye.

For more on this subject pick up a copy of Rick’s book, The Power of a Man: Using Your Influence as a Man of Character, at www.betterdads.net.

What is a "Real" Man?

2009-04-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that sometimes you are just naturally drawn to a certain man? People like being around him. You can’t quite put your finger on what it is, but you know you like it. When he comes into a room or walks down the street people automatically notice him—they see something different about him. There’s something invigorating and compelling about him. It’s exciting and even a little dangerous to be around him. He’s calm but confident, relaxed but prepared, kind but authentic, and bold but compassionate. You feel safe and better about yourself in his presence.

You’ve just encountered authentic masculinity. It’s rare, but it’s out there.
One of the most misunderstood questions today is, “What is a real man?” In this two-part article we’ll look at some false attributes our culture thinks a “real” man possesses and then we’ll investigate what authentic masculinity really looks like.

Our society typically ascribes a dismal role to men, with low or no expectations of nobility or greatness. Few portrayals of men in the media are positive. Television shows and commercials often cast men as bumbling idiots with their wives as the competent ones in the family. This subtle attack on masculinity (all done under the guise of humor, which makes it acceptable) serves to make men question their worth and value.

I recently spoke at a church on the topic of “Why Men Matter.” This was an inspirational talk on the value of men in families and our society. Afterwards an elderly man approached me and said, “For my whole life as an adult man, over 50 years, all I’ve ever heard was the faults of masculinity. I’ve never been told I was important and valuable. To think I wasted all these years feeling bad about myself--thank you so much for telling me I mattered!”

Our culture patterns a somewhat perverted stereotype of what a man should be. Young men raised without fathers are especially confused by the images projected to them by today’s professional athletes, rap stars, and movies actors (many who were also raised without positive male role models) that model men as being self-indulgent, self-focused, hedonistic, or even violent.

Hollywood’s version of a man’s man is a kind of “leader of the pack,” alpha male; the kind of man other men look up to and try to emulate. He is typically a womanizer or at least able to charm all women into bed at will. He’s rugged, handsome, and tough. He can win against all odds and he doesn’t need any help from man or even God.

We learn early in life that to be successful we have to perform well. Cultural masculinity appears to hinge on the combination of the ability to make money (lots of it), have power, the adoration of many females, and sexual prowess. Here’s why these “performance” myths are false and even dangerous:

First of all hear this clearly. Money and power mean nothing. Men, you already have unprecedented power just by virtue of your gender. God has given each man the ability to change the world by himself! How you choose to use that power is another issue.
Secondly, money is just a tool. Making money is not hard. Anyone can make a lot of money. I’ve made a lot of money and lost a lot of money in my lifetime. Having owned several businesses I understand that making money is not difficult if your objective is just to become wealthy. For instance anyone could start a pornographic web site and make tons of money. You can cheat on business deals and take advantage of employees as a business owner and make lots of cash. However, making money with integrity is more difficult; becoming successful while maintaining your moral compass is more of a challenge and requires significant effort. Some of the most miserable men I know have a lot of money.

Third, having sex with scores of women is not difficult either. Many women, especially those reared without a father or who have been abused by men early in life, are easy targets for men without scruples. They are vulnerable to words that they wish to hear. These women desire masculine affection and validation so much that they willingly (if unwittingly) confuse sex for intimacy. But using women to confirm our manhood is a particularly non-effective tactic many men fall into. Unfortunately, femininity cannot ever bestow masculinity upon us, only masculinity can bestow masculinity. We know this in our heart—it’s why men raised by only women are often frustrated in the world of men. In the same way that a mother cannot bestow masculinity upon her son, a woman cannot bestow masculinity upon a man by sleeping with him. In other words even though we often consider sexual conquests or even the first act of sexual intercourse as the mark of manhood, a woman (even through sexual union) cannot grant that mantle upon a male. Some of the most immature, childish, and unhappy men I know sleep with a multitude of women.

Too often we men settle for judging ourselves by our sexual accomplishments, acquiring material possessions, conquering challenges, or sleeping with women in order to prove our manhood. Generally we do this when we have not had authentic role models to show us how a man acts. We then turn to posturing to try and show the world that we are in fact a “man.”
We have to find a way to give boys and young men a vision of masculinity that is greater and more inspiring than just making a lot of money or sleeping with as many women as possible.
We’ll address that issue in the second half of this article.

For more on this subject pick up a copy of Rick’s book, The Power of a Man: Using Your Influence as a Man of Character, at www.betterdads.net.

Are You a Man Whisperer?

2009-03-05T16:40:00.000-08:00

The following are the Ten Keys to Successful Communication with Your Man. A woman, with her superior communication skills, can be a big help to her man (and her relationship) by helping and guiding him to learn to communicate better instead of being agitated by his lack of skills in this area. Remember men communicate differently than women. If you try to talk with your man like you do your girlfriend’s you will both probably be disappointed and frustrated. However, if you practice these ten tips on a consistent basis you will be well on your way to becoming…A Man Whisperer.

Whisper #1
GIVE HIM SPACE--One strategy that works well with men is to tell them something you want their feedback on and then ask them to think about it for a day before answering. It takes men time to process information—especially emotions.

Whisper #2
SIMPLIFY--Learn to simplify the conversation. If you talk to your man like you do your girlfriends he will just stop listening. Men have about a 30 second attention span. If you don’t get to the point by then their mind will start looking for other problems to solve.

Whisper #3
ONE TOPIC AT A TIME PLEASE--Stick to one topic at a time and let a man know when you’re changing topics. Letting a man know when you are changing topics allows him to shut off the problem solving mode and be open to the new topic.

Whisper #4
BE CONSISTENT--Consistency is very important when communicating with men. Men generally cannot process more than one thing at a time.

Whisper #5
LEARN HIS LANGUAGE--Men are much more literal in their conversations than women. When he asks you what is wrong and you say, “Nothing” he will likely take you at your word.

Whisper #6
GIVE HIM A PROBLEM TO SOLVE--Men love to problem-solve. Rather than nagging him about an issue that’s troubling you, say something like, “Honey, I have a problem that I’d really like to get your help with.”

Whisper #7
GET PHYSICAL--Since men are action-oriented, go for a walk or hiking, play a round of golf, or even drive on a deserted highway together (so he’s not distracted by traffic) when you want to talk with your man.

Whisper #8
TIMING IS EVERYTHING--If you bombard him with complaints the minute he walks in the door from a hard day at work, he’s not likely to be willing to listen. Oftentimes, giving him a half-hour to change clothes and decompress will do the trick.

Whisper #9
FIGHT FAIR--Men and women argue differently. You cannot take to heart much of what a man verbalizes when he is upset. He doesn’t think about what comes out of his mouth, especially in the heat of the moment. Unfortunately for men, women do.

Whisper #10
SPEAK PLAINLY--Remind him often that you just need to be heard, you are not looking for a solution. Tell him that at the beginning of the discussion so that he can switch off his “problem-solving” mode.

Single Mom Camps Change Lives

2009-03-05T16:37:00.000-08:00

Each year Better Dads ministry hosts our annual Single Mom Family Camp for approximately 25 single moms and their children. Our goal is to honor, teach, and pamper the moms. All the while their children are enjoying time in the outdoors with positive male mentors doing activities like swimming, rafting, fishing, playing sports, building stuff, and playing with other kids. These three-day, life changing camps are free to the families who attend and the response has been overwhelming. The moms spend time in some very intense classes reflecting on how to choose healthy relationships and the role their father played in their previous choices. The moms also have some opportunities for fun and reflection with other mature women mentors through prayer and conversation. Finally, they are pampered and honored through a variety of volunteered services that many seldom get to experience. At meal times and in the evenings everyone comes together for fun, wholesome activities. Many of the moms break down in tears as they describe how powerfully impactful the camp has been in the lives of their family. Some of the comments heard from the moms included:

“I felt like I was really seen this weekend, I was not just invisible anymore.”
“This was the first time my kids saw me valued as a person.”
“Before this weekend, I felt like a statistic--just a minority single mom. But now I know that God thinks I am valuable and special.”

One mom brought her 13 year old daughter whose father had died the previous year. The girl was wearing dark makeup and angrily refused to speak to anyone. Over the weekend her walls slowly came down until by Sunday she was happy and outgoing. Her mom sent an email saying, “I saw more healing in my daughter in the past three days than I’ve seen in the last two years. It feels like I got my little girl back again!”

Another mom was touched to tears because for the first time in years her closed off daughter had reached out and taken her hand as they walked together.

The camps use married couples as volunteers. The men "play" with the kids while the wives pray with and for the moms. These mature Christian women are also available to mentor the moms one on one. This also allows both moms and kids to see healthy married couples interact with one another during meals and other times together. Church youth groups also work with the kids, modeling for them how to have wholesome fun in a group setting.

To find out more about the upcoming camp on June 12-14 or to volunteer or donate to these powerfully impactful camps please contact us at betterdads@verizon.net.

I Still Do

2009-02-21T21:14:00.000-08:00

My wife and I were blessed to attend a celebration dessert for couples married 25 years or longer called "I Still Do." This annual event is sponsored by an organization called Every Marriage Matters (EMM). EMM is a facilitator in the community bringing together faith-based, governmental and business entities to vitalize marriage and family. Through both secular and faith-based programs, they provide a resource center for marriage and family building assets, and for their community support.

At 27 years married, Suzanne and I were clearly one of the "baby" couples that attended. The longest married couple had been together for 76 years, and many had been married over 45 years. As the MC went around the crowd asking for advice on how to stay married, the answers struck me with their simplistic, yet common sense nature. Long time married couples said the secret to their success were things like:

Praying together daily
Being positive toward each other
Saying, "I love you" to each other daily
Working together with common goals
Conflict resolution skills
Never going to sleep angry at each other
Communication
And from one man to other men--"never quitting, always staying"

It was a true blessing to be surrounded by couples who had made a decision to stay together through sickness and health till death do us part. Their committment to their vows was an inspiration to me. Suzane and I are spending this season of our lives trying to pass along the things we have learned during our marriage by providing pre-marital counseling to young couples. We wish we had had an older couple when we were first married to talk with and learn from. It sure would have made things easier!

To find out more about Every Marriage Matters, contact Tom and Liz Dressel at everymarriagematters@comcast.net.

Rick's Newest Book!

2009-01-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

Stand Up and Be the Man You Were Created to Be.

Rick Johnson tried to fake authentic manhood until he learned an important lesson: A man armed only with a fork in a land of soup doesn’t fare very well.

God gave men incredible power in their masculinity. With humor and honesty, The Power of a Man shows men how to live a life of great significance and healthy masculinity in a world afraid of real men. Johnson demonstrates that:

Real men aren’t passive—they wield positive influence to change the world.
Real men don’t quit, no matter how tough things get.
Real men love, protect, and provide for their wives and children.
Real men defy cultural expectations and live by a code of honor.
Real men recognize that only masculinity bestows masculinity.

The Power of a Man is about being calm but confident, relaxed but prepared, kind but authentic, and bold but compassionate. It’s about becoming the man you’ve always wanted to be—the man your world needs.

To purchase a signed copy of my newest book please go to www.betterdads.net.

Tips For Moms Raising Sons

2009-01-02T19:26:00.000-08:00

• Boys need clear, unambiguous boundaries

• Boys need to be held accountable for their actions and decisions

• Boys need to learn the correlation between taking risks and success in life

• Boys need to not acquire the habit of quitting early in life

• Boys need positive male role models in their lives

• Speak to your son in simple, short sound bite sentences

• If you need to discuss something in depth, take a walk or other physical activity with your son

• Women have much better communication skills than a boy. It is intimidating to sit across the table, eye to eye from someone so much more skilled in an area than he is

• Start discussing sexuality early in your son’s life—it will be easier later on

• Don’t be discouraged--millions of good men have been raised by just their mothers.

Find out more in Rick’s book, That’s My Son—How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Men of Character, by Revell Publishing. Go to www.betterdads.net for more information.

The Best Christmas Present Ever!

2008-12-26T23:24:00.000-08:00

This Christmas my son gave me the best present any 52-year-old man could ever want. He gave me a Nerf N-Strike Vulcan EBF-25 dart cannon. It literally looks and operates like an orange and yellow 50-caliber machine gun. It even has an ammo box that you load the belt into and it feeds out the other side as the darts are fired by an internal piston-powered launching system. The Vulcan fires up to three Nerf sonic micro darts per second and has a 25 round ammo belt. In fully auto mode it can fire all 25 rounds in under ten seconds. Very, very cool indeed! My son was wise enough to get me a second ammo belt to go along with it.

After running out to get the required six C cell batteries, I spent all day today “hunting” the cats. They are fast but not fast enough to outrun a determined middle-aged man with a machine gun. The dog is no fun as he just stands there and let’s me shoot him. I am working on building a pill box with pillows to create a machine gun nest using the tripod stand that came with it. I am currently saving to buy the Tactical Rail accessories that go with it including a laser sight and flashlight so I can hunt our cats throughout the house in the dark. I’m also already coveting the other N-Strike arsenal weapons including the giant pistol Maverick with 6-dart rotating barrel that looks like it came from a Terminator movie and the N-Strike Recon CS-6 Blaster which as near as I can tell is a Nerf assault shotgun.

If we would have had toys like this as kids, we would have never come home.

Two Very Good Books

2008-12-23T09:45:00.000-08:00

Two very good books I just finished:

Empire of Lies by Andrew Klavan. Jason Harrow is a good Christian man leading a normal life until a phone call from the past plunges him into the dangerous world of terrorists and murder.

Finally--someone portrays a Christian as something other than a wacko nutcase! This book slays more sacred cows and steps in more politically-correct minefields than any mainstream author I have ever read. I am still scratching my head trying to figure out how he got a New York publisher to publish this book. Klavan’s clout as a bestselling author with several books made into successful movies must allow him special leverage. Klavan calls it like it is regarding the treatment of Christians and in his portrayal of the left-wing media, academic elites, and politically-correct special interest groups in this country. Not to mention it’s a heck of a well written suspense book. Some Christians may get their nose out of joint about the authentic way Klavan portrays his protagonist but those of us who are honest will recognize ourselves in him.

UnChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. Kinnaman is the president of the Barna Group, the well respected survey and research company. Lyons is founder of Fermi Project, a collective of innovators, social entrepreneurs, and church and society leaders working together to make positive contributions to culture.

This book documents and summarizes three years of research into what younger (primarily 16-29 year olds) people think and feel about Christians and Christianity. It is an eye-opening dialogue about why young people are turning away from Christianity and what we can do about it. Whether we want to admit it or not most people today are becoming more antagonistic towards Christianity and its followers. Accurate or not, Christians are most often perceived as conservative, judgmental, antihomosexual, angry, empire builders, boring, and illogical. This book does a great job of telling us what and why the youth of America think about us and what we can do to offset those perceptions. Again, while many traditionalists may get in a snit about the information in this book, I found it very refreshing and a much needed examination if we are to make a difference in an increasingly hostile world.

Two Quotes

2008-12-17T11:40:00.000-08:00

Norman Mattoon Thomas (November 20, 1884 to December 19, 1968) was a leading American socialist, pacifist, and six-time presidential candidate for the Socialist Party of America. The Socialist Party candidate for President of the US, Norman Thomas, said this in a 1944 speech:

"The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism. But, under the name of "liberalism," they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program, until one day America will be a socialist nation, without knowing how it happened." He went on to say: "I no longer need to run as a Presidential Candidate for the Socialist Party. The Democrat Party has adopted our platform."

Compare that quote to this one from President Ronald Reagan:

"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free."

What do you think about the direction our country is going? Please post a reply.

Genetic Influences

2008-12-14T16:51:00.000-08:00

I’m not a particularly big proponent of promoting either the nurture or nature theory exclusively in human development. I think most of us are a combination of both our genetic makeup and the environment we were raised in.

Recently however, I have become more aware of the powerful influence our genetic code plays in our personal development. One rather humorous example of this is the similarities between my biological father and myself. I first met him when I was 24 years old, a fully developed adult human being. Besides looking alike and standing with the same posture, our wives delight in the fact that we also have a predisposition for the same clothing, foods, and sleeping style. Even our personal hygiene habits are eerily similar. Clearly, as I was never influenced by him as a child, these idiosyncrasies are the result of genetic coding that somehow determines my unconscious behavior, choices, and preferences in life.

But I have noticed even more destructive types of behaviors attributed to some form of genetic imprint. Most of us are aware of the generational cycles (or sins) that occur in families and are passed down from generation to generation. Oftentimes these occur from modeled behaviors but I’m convinced many are also derived (or at least influenced) from our genetic makeup. Modeled behaviors, especially from primary caretakers, are a hugely powerful indicator in our own behavioral outcomes. Because of modeled behaviors we often see generations of families where alcoholism, abandonment, or abusive behavior that was modeled by parents is emulated and passed down from one generation to the next. However, genetics also appears to play a significant role in our outcomes, especially if we are unaware of their influence.

I have observed this in many people we work with. For example, virtually every female in every generation of one young woman’s family—for as far back as anyone can remember—has been an unwed, teenage mother. Knowing this predilection, her mother and father were determined to break this “cycle” with their daughter. However, despite raising her in a relatively healthy two-parent environment, being aware of the challenges they faced, and talking with her about those challenges; it took all of their mightiest efforts to keep that genetic legacy from coming to fruition. It was almost as if she was predisposed to make choices and decisions that forced her to accomplish the genetic coding in her DNA. She was prone to make self-destructive decisions and choices (and have attitudes) that reflected those of the women in her heritage, despite not being exposed to that behavior modeled in her family of origin. Thankfully she is now 20 years old so will never be a teenage mother, and hopefully will never be an unwed mother either. But the challenges were and still are formidable in helping her break the cycle that was engrained in her DNA throughout generations of her lineage. This phenomenon is also observed in children that have been adopted who act out in behaviors similar to their birth parents even though never having met them.

Perhaps more often than we recognize we are pre-programmed to make choices that result in outcomes that have a basis in our generational heritage. Being conscious of these historical “tendencies” allows us to make intentional choices to break those generational influences instead of inadvertently falling into a preordained future.

Engaging Men--Is It Possible?

2008-11-19T17:02:00.000-08:00

As I travel around the country speaking the number one question I am asked is, “How can we engage and motivate men to be involved?” Clearly, this is an issue that affects everyone. The Big Brothers/Big Sisters program here in Portland reports that they have a waiting list of 900 boys with an average wait time of three years because they cannot find male mentors to be involved. So how do we engage men? Is it even possible?

I believe it is, but we have to first understand some things that are important to motivating men. Here are some key factors to encouraging and inspiring men to make a difference in the world:

• Men need to know their importance and significance
Men literally have the god-given power to influence lives for generations. People’s lives for hundreds of years will be impacted by what a man does or doesn’t do today. Most men do not know or recognize the influence they carry by virtue of their gender.

• Men need a mission – a battle to fight!
All men yearn for adventure and even a hint of danger in their lives. They are inspired by great causes to do battle over. The battle for good to triumph over evil has inspired men since time began. Today’s evils include poverty, abuse, addictions, and sexual slavery to name just a few.

• Men need permission—to be empowered
Many of the messages men hear today denigrate masculinity. Most television shows, commercials, and movies stereotypically portray men as either abusive jerks, or most often, as bumbling idiots. Men need to be inspired and even given permission to be involved in battles that matter.

• Men need a vision
Men need to know that there are women and children dying because of lack of male leadership in their lives. They are begging God for someone to come into their lives to help them. People we don’t even know are watching us to see how a man lives his life, how he solves problems, how he leads his family. It doesn’t matter how young you are, how old, how many mistakes you’ve made, you were created by God to be a leader—for people to look up to.

• Men need an action plan with definable goals
Men need to have vehicles that they can plug into in order to make a difference in the world. The problems of this world seem overwhelming and the thought of one person trying to make a difference can be daunting. But give a man a plan and some goals and he can achieve much.

• Men need other men beside them
Men need other men to inspire them, motivate them, and hold them accountable. There are some issues that only a group of good men can defeat. Just like there are some things you don’t do alone in life such as swim in the ocean or climb a mountain, men should not go through life alone either. Men need other men.

Finally, the last thing you need to know about engaging men is that you must have food. Don’t even try to get men to come to an event or be part of a program without providing some sort of nourishment. There is a well known adage that an army travels on its stomach. We can put up with a lot of challenges and discouragements just so long as our bellies aren’t empty! Good luck.

Providing Hope

2008-10-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

During our recent trip to Texas, my wife Suzanne and I visited a remarkable facility located in the urban, inner city area of Fort Worth. We were blessed to spend some time with Gary Randle and Noble Crawford the co-founders of H.O.P.E Farm. The acronym H.O.P.E. stands for Helping Other People Excel.

Both Randle and Crawford are former law enforcement officers who felt a calling to help young, fatherless, African-American boys become men. As they say, “All boys deserve a chance to become men.” The “farm” consists of several buildings that were formerly drug houses for local gangs. Randle, an imposing figure at 6’ 8” tall, is a former TCU college basketball player who believes that without positive male role models these boys are doomed to end up involved in drugs or in prison. Started in 1989, the farm develops boys into leaders—men who stand, men who stay, and men who lead. During our visit 35 boys were registered for their program which trains boys in a variety of traits including Christian values, work ethic, manners, and other valuable life skills. They strive to give at-risk boys a chance to know Jesus Christ and develop life skills consistent with biblical truths. This long-term leadership development program teaches what it means to be a Godly man who leads by respect, trust, generosity and love.

The boys in the program generally enter the program between 5-7 years of age and continue through high school. Several of their graduates are now enrolled in college. Those who attend public school come every weekday after school and stay through dinner time. Those who attend a nearby Catholic private school come two days a week all day, and three times a week after school. The boys do chores, working alongside men as well as attend classes on a variety of subjects. Each night, all of the boys are given a healthy and generous dinner cooked by “Granny.” As Randle says the boys are like wolves—they are constantly hungry and food plays a big part of the work they do. During meal times the boys are taught table manners and proper etiquette. Each meal also involves a debate of a controversial subject with some boys chosen to support one side of the issue and others chosen to support the opposing side. This teaches the boys the skills to discuss an emotional topic without resorting to guns or violence.

During our visit about 10 well groomed and well dressed boys from the ages of 5-10 years old arrived from school and were asked to come into Gary’s office. Seeing visitors--without being told--they marched in single file and very politely introduced themselves to me one at a time by looking me in the eyes, shaking my hand, and saying, “Hello, pleased to meet you. My name is _____.” They then took care to walk behind my chair so as not to disrespectfully walk in front of me, and introduced themselves to Suzanne in the same way. Afterwards they lined up to politely await a joyful hug and words of encouragement from Gary. All this was as natural and unrehearsed as a “normal” family--as it should because both Gary and Noble consider all these boys their sons. It was an unexpected and wonderful illustration of young boys learning important life skills that will help them succeed no matter what they choose to do in life.
The boys’ single mothers are also required to be a part of the program and must pass specific requirements for the boys to enroll in the program.

We were truly blessed to see this program and meet these “real” men. If you’d like more information on HOPE Farm or would like to support this remarkable and life-changing ministry (HOPE Farm’s funding all comes from individual donors, they receive no federal or state funding), call 817-926-9116, or go to their web site at www.hopefarminc.org. You will be blessed just to watch the video and see the lives of boys who probably had little hope changed before your eyes to one’s who have a chance to succeed in life. You won’t be sorry you did.

Life’s Unexpected Challenges

2008-10-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

One of the very enjoyable activities my son and I have experienced together over the years is to go deer hunting. Because of my schedule the past several years we have not been able to go. This year I was determined to make it happen as my son is now 22 years old and getting closer to starting a family of his own. I am concerned that our time together in the woods is going to become scarce as he gets older.

I cleared and jealously guarded my calendar for the dates we had selected to go and had my son get time off from his job. I applied for our licenses and tags early and decided to opt for a challenging unit called Murder’s Creek. It is a beautiful area of east-central Oregon that not many tags are given out for and so are difficult to get. Thus, the bucks are larger and perhaps more plentiful than the other areas of the state that have been hunted out or decimated by the proliferation of cougars. We took off early Saturday morning with the weather forecast cold but sunny, planning to spend four glorious days hunting and telling stories around the campfire. But life’s challenges were about to change my plans to one much like the movie “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles.”

As we got to within five miles of the turn-off to enter National Forest land our unit was located the “check engine” light came on in our Jeep. With over 200,000 miles on it, it did not seem like an inconsequential item to ignore, so we drove another 30 miles into the small town of John Day. John Day is the only town of consequence within about a 150 mile radius. The only auto facility open in John Day on Saturday was a Les Schwab Tire Center. After much fuss and confusion, the staff hooked us up to their diagnosis machine and found out that the problem had to do with our “generator” status. Since the battery gauge had been “discharging” all the way to town I assumed it had to do with the alternator. With no mechanics available in town I had them put a new battery in the car and hoped we could head back to the slightly larger town (10,000 population) of Prineville some 120 miles distant. Not having tested a battery before in this circumstance, I had no idea how long it would last before dying. The trip seemed to take forever as the battery slowly entered into the red zone—praying didn’t seem to help. As darkness approached, turning on the head lights caused the battery to go dead with sudden finality. With systems shutting down one after another, the car died just as I pulled off the highway. With the same finality, our cell phone did not have a signal either. Thankfully the first car to approach stopped and informed us we were still 15 miles from Prineville. The man inside had an amplifier on his cell phone as no coverage was available in the region. He allowed me to call AAA and a tow truck was discharged within an hour. Interestingly, no other cars stopped the entire time it took the tow truck to arrive. After hooking us up he called a mechanic friend who offered to come in on Sunday morning to put in a new alternator. On the way into town we stopped at the scene of a rollover accident and waited as the driver helped flagged traffic for the next 40 minutes. The mechanic then opened his garage and allowed us to store our car in it overnight and the tow truck driver took us to a hotel. The next morning my son and I walked the three miles back to the shop taking turns carrying my very heavy duffel bag containing our clothes and toiletries. Our car was fixed and we proceeded to limp on back home, our hunting trip defeated.

All was not lost however. The great part about this trip was that my son and I got to spend several days of quality time together. He got to see me react in some very challenging circumstances, watching how I dealt with them and how I faced life’s challenges. He got to see me interact with a variety of men in difficult situations and the fact that I kept a good attitude in the face of adversity. The truth is we really had a pretty good time—even though the cost of the battery, hotel, and alternator was way more than I had planned on spending. It was about the same cost as processing the meat of the two deer we didn’t get would have been. We actually smoked our traditional cigars on the way home in triumph of actually getting back in lieu of bagging a trophy buck like we normally would.

Finally, I got to talk with my son that this trip actually mirrors lifes circumstances. We make plans but often they fail or something comes up that ruins them. It requires us to be flexible and pliable, to think on our feet, and to keep a good attitude despite our circumstances. I also got to talk to him about the importance of having choices in life. By not allowing ourselves to be put in situations where we had no options (like going into the wilderness anyway when the check engine light came on), we were much more successful. The truth is that the only constant in life is change, and how we face those changes determines our success or failure in life.

Now the rifles and long johns are put away for another year. This trip was a big learning and growth experience for both my son and I. But I still wish we could have spent some days in the autumn woods hunting and just being together as father and son.

Double Standard?

2008-10-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

While attending a marriage conference several weeks ago, I watched a television news program on Sunday morning in our hotel room while I was waiting for my wife to finish getting ready. The panelists consisted of three men and two women, all of whom were either television or print journalists. The topic of discussion was Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin.

The question of concern was Palin’s ability to fulfill the position of vice president as the mother of five children, one of whom has special needs and one who is pregnant. Interestingly, both of the women journalists emphatically stated, “No, she cannot do the job and be a mother to five children. She cannot have it all.” When asked by the male journalist why Barak Obama is never questioned on his ability to fulfill the position of president while being a father of two children, Washington Post journalist Sally Quinn replied to the effect, “It is different. Men do not shoulder the burden of child rearing. I have many friends who are CEO’s of businesses and to a woman they say they struggle being a mother and a businesswoman.”

These comments coming from mainstream media representatives beg to examine a number of significant issues. First I suspect if Sarah Palin were a liberal democrat we would not be having these discussions. Secondly, feminists have been telling us for years that women can have it all—they can be successful in the workplace and as mothers (BTW--if a man had made the statement that Quinn did it would have caused an uproar heard across the land). Third, if the journalist’s CEO friends were able to be successful in their careers and families then why is Palin not capable of fulfilling both roles? Lastly, why isn’t Obama’s (or any other male politician) ability to serve as a father questioned in the same vein as Palin’s as a mother?

Frankly, I’m by no means a feminist, but I was more than a little offended by the tone of the entire discussion. Sarah Palin appears to me to be a confident and successful woman, wife, and mother who should be getting praised for her achievements, not demeaned because she is faced with the same circumstances as every other person on the planet. She is a model of everything the feminists have touted as being admirable in women, and yet liberal women are attacking her with vitriolic fury. I cannot help but think that if she believed in abortion and homosexual marriage, she would be getting praise heaped on her by the media. Instead they are questioning her ability to do the very things that they once lavished praise upon Hillary Clinton for. I’ll take a woman who can successfully be a mayor, a governor, a wife, and a mother for vice president candidate over a presidential candidate who’s never accomplished anything significant in his life any day of the week. At least from the tone of the program I watched, it appears there is clearly a double standard involved with the media where Palin is concerned.

Parenting--Not for Weinies

2008-10-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

My wife Suzanne and I just got back from speaking at the annual MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) Convention in Dallas, Texas. It was a wonderful time of seeing over 4,000 young mothers get a break from the constant pressure of raising little tykes and receive some practical skills and advice for their marriages and for raising children. This year I was introduced to a woman I had never met and frankly I didn't even know who she was. Her name was Lynn Spears. When I met her I thought she was just another speaker and was not aware that she was Brittany and Jaimie Lynn Spears' mom.

But Lynn's topic really hit home with me. Among other things, Lynn was asked, "Some moms have a plan for raising their children, did you?" She responded, "I had a plan. A perfect little plan. But I couldn't control the outside influences my children were subjected to. Now all I can do is rely on my faith." Despite my initial, uninformed negative opinion of the kind of mother Lynn probably was, she struck me as just an average mom who had tried the best she could and is now shell-shocked by the things that have happened to her children.

When I was a young parent I self-righteously believed that parents were always responsible for how their children turned out. But as an older parent with adult children I now realize that we do the best we can and then our children make their own choices. Sometimes they make good choices and sometimes they make bad choices. Hopefully we provide a good foundation for them to make decisions from. Often our children get to a certain age and we have no control over them any more. One of those factors is the outside influences they are subjected to. Despite having been told by many pious church leaders that if you parent your children right, they will turn out right; I have observed that this is not always the case. I know great parents who have raised several children into excellent young adults only to have one or more stray along the way. Likewise, I have seen terrible parents whose children turned out wonderful. Go figure. I think perhaps those parents who's children turn out good are maybe luckier than they know. One man told me he believed that God had given him compliant daughters because God knew that he would not be able to deal with ones who rebelled.

Finally, over the years it has been my observation that Brittany Spears and many of the other young "pop tarts" are actually victims. Yes, they have fame and fortune but most are desperately unhappy with their lives. Brittany appears to have been used and abused by many men over the years who should know better. These girls frequently come from homes that are fatherless or have uninvolved fathers. As such they are eager for masculine attention and vulnerable to men in general. Agents, managers, the press and media, record executives, and other men have made billions of dollars off her by advising her and giving her poor advice. They did not have her best interests in mind nor did they protect her like authentic masculinity is supposed to--after all she really was just a child. Instead, they sold and raped her soul for their own profit. Hopefully someday, they will have to give an accounting to a being powerful enough to treat them as they have treated her.

Posting a Blog

2008-07-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

Welcome to our new blog site. As a way of introducing myself I'll let you know that I am a full time writer and speaker. I am the author of the books, That's My Son--How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Men of Character, Better Dads Stronger Sons, and The Man Whisperer--Speaking Your Man's Language to Bring Out His Best. In January I will be releasing a book titled, The Power of a Man--Using Your Influence as a Man of Character.

I am also the founder of Better Dads. Better Dads is a fathering skills organization that believes that men and especially fathers are important. Our organization gives inspirational training workshops for men and fathers, moms raising boys to become good men, and for women to understand how to speak their man's language. We also have a mentoring program for fatherless boys called Standing Tall, and we host summer camps for single moms and their children. Lastly, I speak at various prisons teaching classes on fathering and authentic masculinity. If you'd like more information please visit our web site at http://www.betterdads.net/.

I hope you will enjoy this blog and will feel free to contribute as much as possible. This week I have included a picture of me and Riley the Wonder Dog hiking on Bald Mountain. Mount Hood (Oregon) is in the background. This picture was snapped just before the one of me falling off the mountain....